Having a lover and a husband makes me a better wife.
My lover is a passionate and skilled lover who enjoys the sexual opportunities I offer without expecting any kind of serious commitment. He brings toe-curling excitement to my life and I get to turn around and bring that high-octane sexual energy back home to my husband. Everyone wins.
I’ve been with my husband Austin for almost four years. For two of those years I’ve also had an ongoing occasional relationship with my lover Jay, with my husband’s full knowledge and consent.
There’s no sneaking, no cheating, and no funny business here. Just good old-fashioned dates, conversations, and sheet-tangling sex. I see my lover as often as a few times a month or as rarely as every six months, depending on our schedules and desires. I do my best to balance my marriage to Austin, my relationship with Jay, graduate school, a job, and parenting or step-parenting three teenagers, so sometimes I don’t get to spend as much time with Jay as I’d like.“Just good old-fashioned dates, conversations, and sheet-tangling sex.”
So why do I gleefully indulge in these occasional overnight romps with Jay instead of sticking to the model of monogamy most of my 40-something friends desperately embrace while quietly withering inside?
Well, that last sentence should be something of a clue. Having a lover makes me a better wife because it makes me feel good and that’s good for my marriage. I break the benefits down into three separate but related categories, each of which positively contributes to my life as a wife, parent, student, and employee: communication, passion, and rejuvenation.
A serious relationship takes a lot of work, as anyone who has ever been in one knows. A great deal of that work is simply communicating in ways that make sure both parties get heard, acknowledged, and respected. When Austin and I first started exploring the idea of opening up our relationship to include additional lovers, we had to do an extraordinary amount of additional communicating. We had to try extra hard to make sure we were actively listening, holding each other in compassion, and seeking what was best for our relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of arguments, hurt feelings, and serious missteps along the way. We had to fight our way through a lot of crappy conversations to get to the point where now we feel at least slightly more confident in our ability to share our wants, needs, and desires without fear of getting automatically shut down based on jealousy or insecurity. Like so many things, it was worth the effort and has taught us that there isn’t much we can’t work through. I feel more confident in my ability to communicate with Austin as well as everyone else in my life, something that only serves to enhance my skills as a parent and contributes positively to my career.
Click through for a gallery of on-screen lovers (post continues after video)…
On-screen loversAlicia and Will sleep together in the Good Wife. Allie cheats on her fiance with Noah in The Notebook. Amanda Seyfried’s character sleeps with Julianne Moore in Chloe. Carrie and Big. Gabrielle and gardner John sleep together in Desperate Housewives. Grace and Frankie find out their husbands are lovers. Michael Douglas’ character cheats with Glenn Close. Olivia and the President have an affair in Scandal. Piper cheats on her fiance with fellow inmate, Alex. Steve cheats on Miranda in SATC We have lost count of the number of times Don Draper’s been unfaithful – but his fellow Mad Men are no better. Henry VIII was the King of the Affair. Kala starts an affair with Wolfgang despite having a fiance.
At this point you may be asking yourself, “But doesn’t the extra work of communicating just add more stress to your life and marriage? Wouldn’t it be easier to keep things simple and avoid the risk of jealousy/anger/drama?”
My Wife, Her Lover, and Me
Three weeks after my wife told me she was having an affair, I decided to buy a pair of new pants. For a functional adult under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t be much of an event, but I’d never been able to buy much of anything for myself—and all kinds of everyday actions had recently taken on layers of meaning. The last time I could remember buying my own pants had been in an emergency, when I discovered a rip in the seat of some raggedy khakis at work. Before the affair, I’d often worn pants until the cuffs were stringy and the lap was spotted with olive oil from eating salad at my desk; I had begun to muffin out of some of them as well. Sometimes my wife just threw my pants out and ordered new ones online—in black, so they would be harder to ruin.
I needed new pants because I’d shrunk. Almost as soon as I began to understand that my wife was having an affair and was imagining a whole new life for herself, I started to lose weight. That first week, I was mostly too confused to think about food. I started smoking again, which killed what was left of my appetite. At the same time, I also began to set personal records for push-ups, sit-ups, and distance running. The obsessive exercise was more a way to stay busy and burn off sorrow and anger than a conscious attempt to get in shape, but I lost 15 pounds, and all of my pants now had enough room in the waist for me and a box turtle. I had abdominal muscles for the first time since high school. My neck was thinner. My whole face looked pleasantly more rugged, maybe from the exercise of crying.
The physical changes were surprising, but the changes in my psychology were harder to explain. Walking into a small shop in Manhattan’s NoLIta to talk about pants with a younger, bearded salesman, I didn’t experience the familiar fear of being judged for trying on something too cool or expensive for someone like me. I wasn’t paralyzed by the terror that no pants would be just right—the same terror that, in other forms, had made it impossible for me to buy gifts for my family or shampoo for myself, to plan a date or vacation, or to decide what to make or order for dinner without calling my wife to ask. I also couldn’t pay our bills; do the taxes; make a budget; schedule appointments with my dermatologist, ophthalmologist, dentist, or barber; clean my glasses, fingernails, or ears without being reminded; do the dishes or, alternatively, keep my hands off my wife’s butt while she did the dishes.
With the salesman’s help, I chose a pair of khakis in my new size, more or less like my old pants but slimmer in the leg, in a lighter fabric, in a shade boldly closer to white than my usual beige. I was feeling oddly confident for a man still in love with a wife who, after 18 years together, had suddenly fallen in love with someone else.
Related: Being the First One to Have a Baby
One unusual thing about my marriage, which may explain some of its weaknesses as well as the odd blossoming that has taken place since it began to fall apart, is how long my wife and I have known each other. We met and became best friends immediately in the first weeks of college, before I had hair on my chest or knew how to pronounce Chianti, before she had a butt or, in my opinion, knew how to kiss. She was a little uptight but had a brutal wit that reminded me of Rosalind Russell in His Girl Friday. I was an absentminded A-minus philosophy major who needed a dose of that kind of realism. She fell in love immediately, she says now, although she didn’t tell me so then. For a long time I didn’t want to spoil our friendship. The sexual tension was comically obvious to everyone. It mostly took the form of constant fights, but the fights sometimes ended in sex. After college, without ever “dating” exactly, we just started being together, quietly and with a little apprehension. Last year we realized that we’d lived through more than half of each other’s lives. We also realized that we were both unhappy and didn’t know why.
For two years, maybe more, I’d spent my mornings failing to write a book proposal, afternoons at my job as an editor surfing the Web, nights crashing early or waiting up jealously for my wife to come home, whole weekends napping on the couch. She was depressed and anxious, juggling medications and occasionally stricken by panic attacks. She was always telling me to do stuff that I never did. We made hasty dinners and found nothing to talk about over them other than what to watch on Netflix. Our most enthusiastic shared interest was Candy Crush. I mostly blamed work, which had become much harder for both of us—for opposite reasons: My career had slammed into a wall just as hers was bouncing up to a more demanding level. I also blamed the chemistry of our brains, and just getting older. I saw our relationship, in other words, as contaminated by all of our other problems rather than as a problem of its own.
That view changed suddenly a few days before our eighth wedding anniversary, when she met me for what I thought was going to be a normal dinner at our local Thai restaurant and announced that our marriage wasn’t working anymore. I remember my racing pulse more than the details of the conversation, but one thing she said left a big impression: We’d lost our “common project.” What did that mean? It wasn’t a term I’d heard applied to marriage, which I imagined as a simple affirmation of love or some kind of journey of collaborative self-discovery, and a sensible way to keep civilization from collapsing into one big, violent orgy. But her tone was firm, as if she already knew where she wanted the discussion to go. She didn’t say “divorce,” but she didn’t rule it out when I asked if that was what she really meant. I was shaking. I felt cold. Where was this coming from? Was there someone else? She shook her head no, convincingly—I had no clue that she was lying. By the end of the night she’d reluctantly agreed to couples therapy as long as I got a personal therapist for myself too.
Our most substantial common projects until then had been the usual ones: planning the wedding, buying our first apartment and fixing it up, trying to get pregnant. We had recently postponed the last indefinitely, after more than a year of visits to a fertility clinic left us facing increasingly expensive and invasive procedures just as the rest of our lives were becoming less secure. We’d been ambivalent about children anyway, so we accepted that the postponement might be forever. Our common projects now were more quotidian, including maintaining our home and helping each other flourish in our creative and professional lives. My most valuable contributions were probably bringing her a perfect cup of coffee every morning and bringing her to orgasm once or twice a week. During her panic attacks, I also gave her pseudo-feminist pep talks: You can do anything, I’d say, rather than asking myself what I could do.
Related: I’m Gay and in Love With a Girl. It’s Confusing.
Our relationship then went suddenly from seeming unique to seeming like a contemporary stereotype, straight out of Slate’s “Double X” or one of our favorite comedies, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I was the end of men personified, the man-child or beta male. She was the successful woman who doesn’t know what to do with him. One of my friends put it bluntly, when I told him that I feared the worst: “You’ve given her enough signs that you don’t want to grow up.” Like most stereotypes, this one has a basis in truth but falls short of the whole truth. It has cultural currency not so much because the characters are universal but because their dilemmas raise broader questions about the meaning of love, power, justice, and commitment for all kinds of couples today. Feeling as if you’re suffering a problem of your time has the virtue of helping you feel less alone, but you also feel stuck in a role, with a limited ability to change the script. The happy ending in
Inspired by the novel idea of marriage as a project, I did change a little, in superficial ways. My lame determination to show her I was trying is epitomized by a text I sent at the time: “Drinking beer and working on my to-do list.” I ran many errands that had symbolic value, such as taking a long walk to Home Depot to buy some plastic trim for her garden—rather than doing the taxes, cleaning the house, or looking for a new job. I made a special effort for our anniversary, knowing it would be a sort of test, but the best I could do was to Yelp a nice place to meet up for a glass of wine. I had no plan after that, but she liked the bar and took charge of the rest of the night, hailing a cab to a cozy Italian restaurant for an early dinner, then leading me to the waterfront to watch the sunset. It made for a beautiful and seemingly intimate date. By then, she later admitted, she’d been sleeping with him a few times a week for a month and a half.
I hadn’t noticed much difference in her behavior. She was “really snippy for no reason,” I wrote in my diary once, “and nothing I do makes her particularly happy lately.” But the entry goes on: “I get home, she makes some funny jokes, and everything’s okay again.” More than the awkward moments, I remember pleasant surprises, a few spontaneous day trips she suggested, to the beach or a ball game—maybe just the gestures a cheater makes as cover or penance, maybe genuine attempts to reconnect. Her best idea had been a vacation: She’d traded in credit card points for two tickets to Costa Rica. It was to be our first real vacation in two years. Ten days before the flight and three days before our first appointment with our new therapist, she told me the truth.
She started to cry as the words came out. My gut response was to hug her and say that I knew how hard it must be for her to tell me. “Why are you being so nice?” she asked.
I didn’t know. It was a mixture of instinct, love, and denial. I assumed at first that the affair had just been about sex and that it was over. Given my own shortcomings, I might even have been slightly relieved to have a less than perfect wife. It took me a few minutes to grasp that I might not have a wife at all anymore, at which point I curled up in a ball on the couch, moaning in her lap and begging her not to leave, while she stroked my hair with pity and seeming bewilderment. She’d never seen me cry before. I hadn’t cried much since I was a teenager, and it felt completely different than I remembered, with none of that warm relief. It took all the muscles in my face and some in my torso to produce the tears, as if the salt had first tried to scrape its way out in crystalline form directly through my forehead and chin before dissolving under pressure into a poisonously concentrated ooze.
The next day one of the first things she revealed, what I’d least expected and what would come to matter hugely to me, was that he is more than 20 years older than I am. I asked a lot of questions. Did he make a lot of money? Did this explain why she had suddenly started listening to Led Zeppelin? Did she ever have sex with both of us on the same day? She answered most of my queries without flinching. He made about twice as much as I did last year, which sadly isn’t enough to make him rich; no, she’d always liked Led Zeppelin, she claimed; and no—okay, yes, once or twice—but she felt really bad about it. I hoped that having to answer such questions would spoil whatever was special about the affair, in the same way that explaining a joke can ruin it. I hoped it would hurt her more to tell me all the sordid details than it would hurt me to hear them. I wanted to shame her. But her answers were bland, frighteningly so. “He just is who he is,” she said at one point—meaning that, unlike me, he isn’t searching for himself. By all appearances, he was an essentially normal, probably friendly, late-middle-aged white divorcé, not much at all like the men I’d imagined her drunkenly tonguing at late-night “work drinks,” who were basically all just cooler versions of myself.
“He’s cute,” I said, after googling him.
She shrugged: “He’s bald.”
It was, I joked, the most conservative affair I could imagine. Of course I was angry, but over the years I’d lost my fighting skills. What she had done was cruel, childish, and stupid, I thought—that would all be obvious if our genders were reversed—but I was scared that saying so would only give her another excuse to leave. Instead, I stupidly tried to reason her out of her feelings. It was unfair, I argued, that she was choosing someone who’d already been through the uncertain parts of life—as if she were cheating not only on me but on time itself. When I accused her of having a daddy complex, she allowed the possibility but said that she preferred to see herself as filling a “man-size hole in her life.” (My new therapist nodded solemnly at that one.) Being older, I brilliantly observed, meant being closer to death. She smiled distantly, as if that thought had already occurred to her and she might want to be there with him for the end too.
She told me all kinds of things that I can’t bring myself to write, and I don’t want to put words in her mouth or give the impression that I know what her new relationship was really like. Some of our most painful arguments (maybe also our most productive) haven’t been about the morality of the affair—from which she did agree to take a hiatus—but about whether I can accept her experience as real, her account as valid, without trying to tell her what she really feels and why. There’s also a lot about him that she struggles to articulate, and parts of their story that she doesn’t want to pick over with me. But the words I heard loudest, because they hurt the most, were completely mundane. The conversation and sex just felt “natural” and “easy,” she said. Another word she used that I found extremely threatening was secure.
At first I imagined my wife was delusional, which was reassuring. There were clear signs of what, in condescending therapeutic lingo, is called “infatuation,” including the playlists she made for herself on our iTunes: “The Way Young Lovers Do,” “You Make Loving Fun,” “I Want You to Want Me.” At times, the way she spoke about her lack of control over what had happened made it sound as if she was hypnotized. At other times, though, she seemed more self-possessed than I’d seen her in a long time. I had the unsettling sense that she had just rediscovered a few of the factors basic to eroticism as well as to everyday well-being: the ability to play and imagine, to feel interesting and spontaneously sexy, to accept someone else as he is, to relax and be herself. It was devastating to imagine that she could find those things with anyone other than me. Yet it was nothing like the experience described by the marriage-saving industry, according to which affairs are like illness—their effect trauma, their only cure a sober process of healing, even mourning. What if my wife was just in love?
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In a heated moment, I took off my wedding ring and told her to keep it until she made up her mind. She left to stay at a friend’s apartment and figure out what to do. She didn’t call that night or the next, although she thoughtfully texted to tell me where she kept the Klonopin, in case I had trouble sleeping. I spent one of those nights lightly medicated, smoking cigarettes and drinking while watching a DVD of our wedding. We’d always been too embarrassed to watch it together. We said that pictures might spoil our memories, but once I began to doubt my own memories the images suddenly mattered a lot. I could even smile at how dorky my suit looked, and at how hard I tried not to sound too casual, too serious, or too enthusiastic as I pronounced “I do.” She kept laughing and making me laugh during the ceremony, like we were sharing inside jokes. She was so very beautiful. The tears came more easily now. They began to feel good, and then they were gone, leaving just traces of salt on my glasses.
“Why would you do that to yourself?” she asked, when I called to tell her I’d watched the video. I’d read online that you were supposed to remind your cheating wife about the good times. I’d even thought about leaving the video out somewhere, in the hope that she’d watch it and see how happy she looked. I also thought seriously about making her a mixtape.
“It was a great wedding,” I said.
“Of course it was great,” she said. “I planned the whole thing myself.”
When we were apart, I mostly felt a blinding pain I’d never felt. To try to describe its symptoms is just embarrassing. On one run, I literally chanted out loud, “Let the pain go.” I downloaded self-help books onto my phone and secretly read women’s magazines, because there just isn’t much advice out there for men about what to do with feelings. The pain would fade away for a while, then arise again, especially at night or when I was alone. Even at my worst, though, I never felt what I know some people in my situation do. I didn’t feel hopeless, as if my life had lost all value. It had just lost all of its shape. I felt unmoored, with my emotions all over the place and my identity adrift. As strange as this may sound, there were a few moments in the first weeks of the crisis that felt ecstatic, revelatory.
After our initial few days apart, for example, I invited her to a picnic lunch in the park. It was my first fully formed date idea in eons, and while the grilled-cheese sandwiches I brought didn’t quite hold up, the wine and fruit were good, and the talk wonderful. The combination of knowing each other so long and suddenly doubting everything, having gotten past most of the factual questions about what she had done and still being curious about each other’s feelings and the future—all that plus maybe the weather and a lucky alignment of moods made for a conversation that was more wide-ranging, even philosophical, more honest, sensitive, and creative than perhaps any we’d had before. Conversation had been missing from our marriage for so long.
I had a similar epiphany the next night, when for some reason she asked me to come to one of her big work parties. We had gradually stopped going together to such events, knowing that I’d feel left out when she was talking to other people yet annoyed when she worried about me, and that my presence would only add to her professional anxiety. This time, however, because I no longer felt like a husband, I didn’t feel dragged along. I was invited, and she behaved more like a hostess with a guest than a handler with a monkey. I didn’t hover around her, awkwardly juggling my wine and a plate of hors d’oeuvres. It made me happy, not jealous, to glance over and see her work the room, to see how liked and respected she was.
We considered canceling the vacation but, with trepidation, decided to go. I took care of planning with a ruthless efficiency. “I’ll draft a budget today,” reads one of my officious texts, “and maybe start fleshing out that itinerary with activity/day trip possibilities.” The itinerary was inspired, if I do say so myself. The trip itself was darkly magical, bittersweet. I remember especially clambering up a rock in the ocean, with waves crashing all around, to see her waving from her own rock near the deserted beach, topless in her sunglasses. There were some long periods of silence in the car, some “awkward attempted sex (I think),” as I described it in my journal, and a few big fights, especially near the end—bitter and angry ones, culminating in threats to separate for good, culminating in sex—but we never felt trapped with each other as we feared we might.
It was hard to give her space; I remember the anger I felt as I watched her hiking through the misty rain forest on our second-to-last day, far ahead on the trail in a clear poncho, keeping to herself and looking like a self-involved ghost. We were all alone and surrounded by beauty. Why couldn’t she share that experience with me? But I also remember us running and laughing with glasses of wine as I led her down the side of a mountain, trying to make it to a lookout point before the sunset ended. She took a goofy snapshot of me in the airport on the way home, tanned and bedraggled in my new black shades. “Look at this guy I picked up at the beach,” she said. I hardly recognized myself.
In the weeks after our vacation, the fun of playing strangers gave way to frustration at having to question even the most harmless interactions between us, at not even knowing whether it was okay to text her good night or hold her hand. It was excruciating to break those kinds of simple habits. As I did, however, I began to feel energized; parts of my brain seemed to wake up. The sadness I felt was different from the grinding, soul-crushing, everyday depression I’d felt before the affair. Change in my own life seemed possible. It was already happening, only partly through intentional effort.
I was also forced to get out of the house more. She had agreed to keep living with me as long as we spent a lot of time apart. I started going to movies on my own, often to the kinds of arty or violent films that my wife wouldn’t like. I went to a bar alone and watched sports I didn’t follow with old men I didn’t know. I wandered deep into Brooklyn to see some experimental music at an unmarked arts space, and my hatred of hipsters was overcome by the fun of meeting some slightly weird, unusually attractive, passionately curious younger people. The whole city felt more vivid and meaningful. So did my personal relationships. The old friends that I’d always secretly hated turned out to be incredibly caring listeners and full of good advice. Dinner with my parents, without my spousal buffer, was more work initially but ultimately less tedious. I began to write in the library and found it a lot less lonely than my study.
I also started listening to music again for the first time in years. Of course, every pop song seemed to be about us, and the effects were sometimes unpredictable. I felt weirdly rejuvenated whenever I listened to the Supremes’ “Where Did Our Love Go.” After one rough day of fighting, I put on a love-hate mix that I’d made, and when “Dismal Day” by Bread came on—”I look into my morning mirror/ And it reveals some things to me that I had not been able to see”—she started to laugh and dance to it in the kitchen. I don’t think I had seen her dance since the last of our friends got married. She moved much more fluidly, I noticed, than she had in college. The next song was “No Easy Way Down,” from Dusty in Memphis, and we began to slow-dance together until I heard her sobbing on my shoulder and begging me to turn it off.
In an unabashed attempt to win back my wife with nostalgia for our friendship in college, when I used to try to impress her with my music collection, I bought a record player and hauled up a pile of old LPs from the basement: Wes Montgomery, Bill Evans, Thelonious Monk. She wasn’t impressed, but it was refreshing to listen to jazz instead of watching Netflix during dinner.
“I’m really enjoying Blonde on Blonde these days,” I told her.
She rolled her eyes. “That’s because Bob Dylan hates women.”
This isn’t an essay about how an affair can save a marriage. I still don’t have my ring back, and there is a lot of ambiguous joking lately about whether an ex-wife can be a wingman. When I’m feeling masochistic enough to ask, she tells me bluntly that she still wants to be with him. At best, her friends have been able to convince her that she might have been moving too fast. As of this writing, then, her affair remains on pause, not technically over.
I still don’t have a great job—I’m a writer, as she knew I would be when she married me—but I do take care of most of the rest of my own life now. It seems strange to me that it was ever so hard. How had I become so helpless? It couldn’t have all been my fault. There must have been something about her, too, something that, as we tried to grow up together, transformed the dynamics of our early friendship into a paralyzing pas de deux. She must have had a complementary weakness to my own, perhaps a need to divert herself from her own anxious insecurities by taking care of someone “lesser.” The selfishness of her affair could have been a way to disrupt that habit.
But now any possible future marriage between us would probably have to begin by ending whatever we have left and starting over on completely new terms, as adults, with more distance between us and more courage to fight. Figuring out what we are to each other now may become our last common project. We don’t even know what we think about monogamy anymore, whether it’s right for us or for society in general. Recently, we were hanging out with a few of her friends, and one of them was worried about a pair of newlyweds I didn’t know, one of whom had cheated on the other. My wife and I exchanged a nervous glance. “Sometimes something like that can be good for a marriage,” I said.
My wife smiled.
“Or not,” I added, and she laughed out loud.
This article appears in the December 2014 issue of ELLE magazine.
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Wife Lovers Review – Adult Reviews
Summary: Wife Lovers is home to more than 100,000+ real homemade videos of nude wives and couples having sex. The members themselves have uploaded them, and upload more every day. Jump in and start sharing your own content, or just enjoy the community and content as an outsider. This site is truly unique in its community-first approach and it has worked out very well for them. Easily one of the largest REAL amateur porn sites on the internet today.
Score 0 /100
Wife Lovers is closed
Find another site in our Amateur category instead. We keep the review online for historical reasons.Author:
Jerry Fritz, 2011-09-09
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– Over 4,000+ new pictures and movies daily.
– Millions of pictures and over 100,000+ movies online.
– Messages boards for chatting and trades of pictures and movies.
– Online since 1997
Wife Lovers has been around since 1997 and their website looks like it hasn’t been redesigned since. There isn’t much in the way of a traditional tour here — no big photos or scene previews. Instead there is a rather large “Free Area” that you can explore. In it you’ll find a lot of nude and non nude pics of real couples uploading and sharing or offering to trade.
This community is carried into the members area in force. This is a true amateurs site, powered by the husbands and wives that enjoy sharing pics and videos of each other. There is a lot of homemade hardcore, group sex, and solo shows to enjoy but also via the message boards and chats, the possibility of meeting others nearby and maybe hooking up for something different.
Wife Lovers is far from the conventional porn site. How will it hold up though when we take a closer look at it? Read on for the details.
$ 19.90for 1 month / 30 days(Rebills after every period)After first 30 days, will automatically bill your credit card $15.90 per month.
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If you are interested in real homemade action, amateurs, wives from across America, big, small, fat and thin, flat chested or with juicy knockers, then Wife Lovers should already have won your favor. For a real community of mostly middle aged couples into sharing nude pics and sex movies, there really isn’t another place to go that is as large or active as Wife Lovers.
If you are looking for a conventional porn site experience, though, this isn’t the site for you. Its main focus is really on the community, the millions of pictures and thousands of videos are more of a side effect of that community than anything else. And unlike some other amateur sites you’ll find, the material at Wife Lovers is absolutely the real thing. This is exciting, but it also means that you won’t find high def footage, or anything near it. These are true amateurs, just having fun, swapping content with other couples around the country.
The movies vary a little bit in quality. Most are about 320×240 in resolution and can be streamed instantly online in a Flash video player. You can save the movies too, but the formats are pretty diverse. These aren’t going to blow you out of the water with clarity and clever camera work, but they will with the content itself: very real women and men showing off and having sex for their community of fans at Wife Lovers.
Likewise, the pictures vary a lot as well. You’ll get the occasional husband that is skilled with the camera, and takes wonderful, even artistic, nude shots of his beautiful wife. Most are just point and shoot shots though. Lighting isn’t always the best, but again, it’s not the technical quality of the content that should matter if you’re into this sort of experience: it’s about it being real amateur porn, made by and submitted by real members that you can make friends with and even trade private pics and movies and, who knows, maybe more.
The guys that run the Wife Lovers’ website use the design they do for some good reasons. Mainly, to make the site fast-loading for the thousands of concurrent users. The community is very big and very active, and the more graphics and flashy touches, the more difficult it is to serve you what you want fast enough.
Even so, I did find myself a little bit lost at times, and almost always wishing that they had some sort of thumbnail preview for the different threads. Essentially that’s what the entire site is, threads of a message board that you can post to and respond with your own pics and video clips. Even if it isn’t pretty it does seem to work very well for members. Be prepared to feel a little lost with all the options and links in a mostly text-based web design at first. I did find myself getting more acclimated to the design after a day or two. After the first month I’d imagine users would have mastered their way around.
The only real criticism I have for the guys at Wife Lovers are the third party dating-site banners and advertisements that get mixed in with some of the links. They are a little distracting and members could end up clicking on them and being taken off the site without intending to do so.
Wife Lovers is a very unique amateur site with one of the most active communities online. Thousands of members are posting pictures and videos of their wives or their sex parties every day. With so much content, and a very active and friendly community to make friends with, this site is an awesome pick for fans of real MILFs, real wives, and real amateur content.
There is really only one other site that comes to mind when I try to think of competitors for those of us interested in Wife Lovers. That site is Homegrown Video. They, too, are large, have a great community, and offer real homemade content. They’ve also been in business for years. Definitely give them a look as well.
Don’t take our word for it and see what others think! We have collected a list of opinions and impressions from other sites, so you can compare them all from one place.Total average: 73/100 Our score: 0/100
Comments from other readers
unable to log in to wifelovers site what happened never had a problem before
If you purchase a membership at this site, they limit the amount of content you can view in a 24 hour period. If you call them on their false advertising like I did, they will ignore you as they did me. I would advise folks not to waste your time and money. I mean imagine joining a gym and having them stop you at the front door and tell you that you can’tj come in because you have already been here 3 times this week. That’s pretty much how this website is running it’s business. Pathetic.
They are racially biased. Ebony couples almost always get their posts deleted and also get banned from posting. The ban not only affects the wifelover site, but it’s sister sites as well.
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Polyamorous wife says marriage is better with more lovers
A couple who have slept with 20 other people between them since getting married two years ago say their adventurous sex life is the glue that binds them.
Laura and Mike Leonard, both 28, from California, were wed in 2015 and have since pursued sexual relationships with other people – because they say one person isn’t enough to sate their desires.
Despite having a five-year-old son, full-time jobs and a mortgage, the polyamorous couple say their complicated love lives only serves to make their family home better – because they constantly communicate about who they’re sleeping with.
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Laura and Mike Leonard, both 28, from California, insist they’re dedicated and loyal to each other despite regularly seeking out other sexual partners
Laura admits that one man isn’t enough to quench her sexual desires and that she currently has a boyfriend and a girlfriend alongside her marriage to Mike
In a bid to ensure that their son Ian, 5, isn’t affected by the new relationships they forge, they’ve agreed never to bring dates home.
And they say they’re only speaking out about their marriage because they want to highlight to couples the benefits that such an open relationship can have.
Laura, a customer service adviser, says: ‘Dating is part of who I am and that’s why I’ll always be polyamorous.
‘Mike and myself got married knowing full well that we’d never be 100 per cent exclusive to each other.’
Pictured on their wedding day in 2015: the couple say their love for each other never wavers but that they both have needs that leads them to explore sexually away from the marital home
Communication is everything: the couple, who are parents to a five-year-old son, say they work hard to keep their love alive and never let their son see them dating other people
She adds: ‘I’ve had around 10 sexual partners since we tied the knot and I tend to go on around two to four dates per month.
‘When I struggle to find dates, I used dating website What’s Your Price to find potential new partners.
‘Mike also goes on dates with other women and we openly discuss the sexual partners we have while married.’
Not cheating: Laura says being open in a relationship has nothing to do with infidelity because everyone is aware of the situation
‘I currently have Mike, another boyfriend and a girlfriend to share my time between.
‘I try to make sure I divide my time equally but myself and Mike have adult responsibilities like our house and Ian to consider.
Mike and Laura first met in college but it wasn’t until 2011 that Laura became polyamorous and later rekindled her relationship with Mike – and asked if he would consider living the lifestyle.
I can get jealous of Laura’s other partners but she does her best to ensure she divides her time between all of us…
‘I was open from the beginning, I didn’t want a monogamous relationship. I didn’t enjoy being exclusive to other partners, it’s great to get out the house and have fun with other people.
She says the couple haven’t looked back:
‘Mike has always supported my decision and although he doesn’t have any other partners at the moment, I have two.’
‘Being polyamorous has made our marriage stronger as we’re always communicating with one another.
‘Having sex with other people has nothing to do with us ‘being cheaters,’ we both just need more than one sexual partner to fulfil our needs.
‘That’s not to say we don’t get jealous of one another from time to time but that’s normal.’
Mike chimes in: ‘We have a great marriage and although I can get jealous of her other partners, she does her best to ensure she divides her time between us all.’
Ordinary: Laura says their marriage is conventional in lots of ways, with both herself and Mike holding down a full-time job and a mortgage
Laura says their relationships are very much exclusive and they don’t meet partners as a couple.
‘He doesn’t get involved in my other relationships, we have tried in the past but sexually I just seek other people on my own.
‘I have a girlfriend who has a husband and a boyfriend who I try and ensure I see as much as I can.
‘Me and Mike are happily-married and being polyamorous has only ensured we stay loyal to one another.
She says: ‘There’s a lot of people who call us cheaters or that we can’t be happy with our spouse but we are more than happy.
‘Polyamory isn’t for everyone, but I think if most people were themselves they’d realise that one single person cannot possibly give them everything they need.’
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10 reasons why women seek love outside marriage
Believe it, or not women enjoy sex just as much as men do.
When a woman feels dissatisfied with her sex life, she may find a lover outside marriage to meet her needs, says Solene Paillet.
Image published for representational purposes only. Photograph: Andrew Biraj/Reuters
The belief that men cheat, but women don’t is false.
Married men and women are equally likely to cheat. But they do so for different reasons.
Men commit infidelity primarily because physical urges drive them while women do so for sexual and emotional fulfilment.
A woman’s reasons for cheating are more complex than a man’s. Mentioned below are some reasons women are unfaithful.
1. She feels neglected, ignored, and underappreciated
A wife needs to feel she is the cynosure of her husband’s eyes.
She wants to feel desirable. When her husband neglects her, ignores her, and doesn’t appreciate her, she feels undesirable.
To feel desirable, she may find a lover outside marriage.
From time to time, a wife would like her husband to treat her like a girlfriend.
She wants him to take her on romantic dates, buy her gifts, and vacation with her. However, when she feels like a nanny or maid, it may prompt her to find a lover who shows her an exciting time.
2. Her marriage lacks intimacy
Women feel connected through non-sexual interactions.
When a husband is thoughtful towards his wife, engages in fun conversations with her, participates with her in building a home, and is a co-partner in her social life, it supplies her with the emotional intimacy she craves.
When such emotional intimacy is lacking, a wife may seek it from someone outside the marriage.
3. She’s overwhelmed by others’ needs
Even in marriages where everything is going well, women may cheat.
When a wife’s duties revolve around her husband, children, work, and home, she may feel so overwhelmed that the only way she can experience life-fulfilment is through an extramarital affair.
Women who cheat under such circumstances may love their husbands, yet an extramarital relationship may be the only way for them to unwind.
4. She’s lonely
When a wife feels lonely in a relationship, she may cheat.
Such loneliness may be caused by her husband working long hours or travelling frequently.
She may also feel lonely if her husband is emotionally unavailable.
The emotional void such women face can often only be filled by infidelity.
5. She has unrealistic expectations
Sometimes women who cheat have unrealistic expectations from their husbands.
They expect their spouses to be at their beck and call, all day, every day.
Rare is the man who can offer such attention to his wife.
Wives who have such unrealistic expectations may decide that their needs can only be met by finding a lover outside marriage.
6. She’s not enjoying sex with her partner
Believe it, or not women enjoy sex just as much as men do.
When a woman feels dissatisfied with her sex life, she may find a lover outside marriage to meet her needs.
7. Her husband is very critical
A woman who is always criticised by her husband will feel unappreciated and lonely.
Being subjected to constant criticism is enough to diminish any woman’s self-esteem.
Such a woman may find a lover who respects her and treats her lovingly. By committing infidelity, she boosts her confidence.
8. She’s bored
Men have many activities, including playing sports that add excitement to their lives; women have few such events.
A woman bored with her life may have no alternative besides infidelity to make her life more exciting.
Faced with having to choose between perpetual boredom and the excitement of an extramarital affair, she may prefer the latter.
9. She wants to date a bad boy
Women like sex, and many like wild sex.
A wife who believes that her husband is too soft and tender in bed may decide she needs a lover who brings her wildest fantasies alive.
When she’s found such a bad boy, she may choose to commit infidelity.
10. Her husband is domineering
Conversely, a wife may feel her husband is too domineering in bed.
She may want to have sex with a man who is tender and caring. Such a woman may decide to commit infidelity when she believes she’s found such a man.
Women may commit infidelity because their husband is too tame in bed or too wild.
They may commit infidelity in spite of loving their husband or because they don’t like him.
As emotions drive women, their relationships have an active emotional component. But many have affairs in which emotions take a backseat to unbridled lust.
Women are infinitely more complex than men and today, as taboos break down, they are open to experimenting with their sexuality despite being married.
Solene Paillet is marketing specialist, Gleeden, a discreet extramarital dating site for women. She can be contacted on [email protected]
90,000 if the wife has a lover, it is time for the husband to admit his guilt
The stereotypical opinion is that someone who has committed treason and dared to have a mistress or lover should be immediately condemned, anathematized and, preferably, crucified. A comfortable position that allows you not to think about what went wrong in the relationship and what is your own fault, but to firmly fasten the halo and depict an unfairly reviled virtue.Minsk family psychologist Roman Kryuchkov offers a different view of the problem: everything that happens in a relationship is the merit of both partners. Roman spoke about the real reasons and consequences of adultery in an interview with Onliner.by.
– If the husband has a mistress, the wife in 100% of cases considers herself the injured party. Is it really?
– There are always two to blame. From the wife’s point of view, this is, of course, the husband and mother-in-law [laughs. – Approx. Onliner.by]. But seriously … Try clapping with one hand.Doesn’t it work? So it is in relationships. Whether we want to admit it or not, responsibility for what happens in the relationship, including the fact of betrayal, is shared between the two partners. Of course, it is not easy to agree with this state of affairs, but sooner or later you have to do it. Although, of course, feeling like a victim, a deceived party is, at first glance, a more advantageous position. After all, if I am offended / offended, then you must / must take this responsibility upon yourself, because it is certainly not my fault / fault! More often than not, people take this comfortable position to avoid responsibility.
– For what reasons do married people have lovers or mistresses?
– The reasons for the sea. There is a separate class of reasons called “disappointed expectations”. For example, a woman enters into a relationship with a man and by default believes that he must provide for her, build a house, and so on. And the husband begins to do something that is interesting to him, although it does not bring a lot of money. Oops, minus one wait! The wife feels cheated: she did not get what she wanted.This can lead to cheating.
Or another option. A man has such an expectation from a woman, from family life: “I will have a lot of sex.” And the partner, wonderful in every way, just has a different sexual temperament. Accordingly, the husband feels deceived in expectations, takes his spouse to sexologists, and he himself may start looking for intimacy on the side. In general, most Belarusians are quite sexually illiterate. Do not forget that we grew up in a country in which there was no sex and no.Hence the total lack of knowledge in this area.
The trouble is that these very expectations are very often not discussed. They are taken for granted. A man should provide for a family, and a woman should lead the house, cook like a mother, sew on buttons, patch up socks and, in general, be equally good in all her guises. But did the partners discuss this with each other? Have you asked about the real desires of the other side? .. How many such stories, when a partner has been trying for years to get a certain behavior from a spouse, is disappointed, angry.And all is in vain, because he simply does not have this quality. He has nothing to give.
– Is there a certain moment in family relationships when one of the spouses starts looking for a lover or mistress?
– Emotional violence, manipulation (“I won’t talk to you, but guess why,” “I am offended at you, but I won’t say why”), the imposition of guilt feelings can trigger “search” behavior. A man or a woman does not get what he expects in a relationship, and sooner or later goes in search of a person who can give what he wants.For example, a girl goes to the office and every day sees a colleague who sympathizes with her. This man shows completely different traits than her husband or boyfriend, who manifests this most emotional abuse.
“Searching” behavior is more pronounced in women: flashy makeup, mini-skirts, accents in clothes. Many vehemently deny the fact that they are in search, say that it is “for themselves.” But after some time after marriage, a woman begins to walk in what is comfortable, gets used to jeans forever … A sudden change in her partner’s appearance alarms the man.He feels that his woman is showing herself to other men. Adultery may not happen, but the risk is seriously increased.
– Can a lover or mistress really give everything that is lacking in the current relationship?
– I would not say that. It is rather the idea that a lover or mistress has the desired qualities, that in a relationship on the side you can get everything that is so lacking. This is usually an illusory performance. A person endows a lover or mistress with certain traits that may not correspond to reality.This is the illusion of escape to another, happy reality. Let me give you an analogy. Wherever the snail crawls, from one place to another, she always carries her house with her, which is filled with her problems. Men who jump from one marriage to another and change their mistresses like gloves, women who don’t really understand what they want from partners – they all inevitably drag a house with their own cockroaches in their heads into another relationship. And until the intrapersonal problems are resolved, in different relationships a person will have the same problems.
– Frequent case: a woman finds herself a lover with money. Does this speak of commercialism or is there another, deeper meaning in this?
– From my point of view, money has a certain function, a certain meaning. It is both a means of payment, and an indicator of status, and a way to ensure your safety. It seems to me that for those women who prioritize precisely monetary motives, the main problem is a feeling of insecurity. But they do not understand that no money, no benefits will save them, for example, from certain death.
By the way, all these existential problems are one of the main causes of adultery. We displace from our consciousness thoughts about death, about the inevitable end, but still we cannot help but succumb to fear. A gray hair in a beard – a devil in a rib. So often they talk about men who cheat in old age, but in fact, women are not lagging behind. What motivates them to find new partners? Perhaps the fact that the end is more or less close, and this becomes a serious motivation to grab something else, to live life as you always wanted, to feel still alive, to experience the feeling of special love until your knees tremble …
– Yes, about this shiver.How long does it last in a normal love relationship?
– As a rule, we normally experience similar feelings at the stage of courtship and right up to the first sex, and then everything flattens, freshens, the effect of novelty goes away. Stormy feelings quickly disappear, and then everything depends on the creativity, inventiveness of the partners. Some people prefer not to solve this difficult problem with their spouse, but to find a connection on the side. The novelty of the partner gives the relationship a pepper. The problem is that it won’t last long either.Then again he will find a scythe on a stone. Intrapersonal problems will again interfere with building relationships.
– What are the consequences of treason?
– There is an opinion that infidelity saved many marriages. Indeed, sometimes the following dynamic develops: out of the feeling of guilt experienced by the cheating partner, he pays more attention to the spouse, from whom he goes to the side. But all this is fiction. All the same, betrayal will inevitably hurt. True, the deceived partner often prefers not to admit the obvious for a long time in order to protect himself from pain.
In general, relationships are a balance of “take – give”. Therefore, when the fact of betrayal is revealed, many people think that it would be logical to balance the betrayal with betrayal. Or forgive cheating, and then manipulate guilt for years. Or forget, pretend that nothing happened. In fact, these are bad options. In my opinion, spouses should take responsibility for what happened and ask questions: what does each of us want? who did not receive what in our relationship? can we give it to each other at all? Perhaps maintaining the relationship no longer makes sense.Why inflict endless pain on each other when the fuel of emotional intimacy has already burned out?
Everyone should understand that we are initially free from birth. If the partner makes the choice to leave, then you should not spoil the life of yourself and him. Perhaps this will be a manifestation of love – to give a person the opportunity to leave, no matter how painful it may be. You can experience short-term pain by pulling off the bandage at once during the dressing, or you can slowly pull it “with care”, stretching the torment. I personally like the first option more.You are free, at any time you can leave, choose another partner, and if they do this to you, take it for granted and thank you for what happened in the relationship.
Reprinting of text and photos of Onliner.by is prohibited without the permission of the publisher. [email protected]
HUSBANDS AND LOVERS – Real and unreal life – LiveJournal
Today there are many forums and publics for the mistresses of married men, and even more for wives who have been cheated on by their husbands.Judging by the number of women writing there, the classic love triangle consists of a man, his wife and his mistress. There are various explanations for this – both socio-demographic and psychological. And if you turn the triangle over and imagine adultery in the form of a woman, her husband and lover? Undoubtedly, such a phenomenon exists. Although lovers of married women do not complain in the forums, and, in general, are reluctant to talk about this topic. I was convinced of the latter when I asked my acquaintances men to share this kind of experience.I wondered what all sides of such a loving geometric figure were experiencing. Mostly the lover of a married woman. What are the motives for entering into a relationship with a married woman? How are his feelings different from the emotional state of a married man’s mistress? I must say that I hardly found several men who were ready to tell about myself. The majority refused. The motivation is: “What can I say about it? It’s all nonsense. ” Or, “It’s very personal.” I will add that when I ask women to share their love experiences, I hardly meet with refusals.Men do not like to talk about personal things, about their weaknesses …
A woman can cheat on her husband for various reasons: conflicts in the family and, as a result, conscious or not, the search for a new husband; boredom and desire to diversify life; revenge on her husband for his infidelity; accident. As polls and observations show, it is not difficult for a married woman to find a lover. Moreover, it is not at all difficult. You will also have to fight back.
Nina, 34 years old, married for 7 years. “Yes, I’m cheating on my husband.He doesn’t know about it. I was faithful to him for six years. He was not. But I didn’t cheat out of revenge. It just seemed to me that my life was passing in the bustle of work, kitchen and childcare. And nothing more. So in fact I will grow old. There will be nothing to remember. I opened an account on a dating site. My appearance is more than decent. Many have written to me. There are many. No one was embarrassed that I was married. On the contrary, there were letters from men wishing to date a married woman. There were, of course, very vulgar people or fans of virtual sex.I immediately blocked them. She dated three men, but only one developed further relationship. We don’t meet often. I try not to have any suspicions on my husband. My friend is a wonderful lover and generally a cheerful person, without complexes. This is what I need. I rest with him. True, I am very afraid of falling in love for real. I forbid myself. Because then it will be sheer suffering. ”
Forbid – not forbidden, but many married women fall in love with their lovers. It is natural.Women’s sexuality and emotions are very closely related. If a person is indifferent, then you don’t want him. And if you are not indifferent, then you want more than just sex.
Through the eyes of a husband
When a husband really does not notice anything, then it seems that he is only formally a side of a triangle. I must say that it also happens that the wife thinks that her infidelity is reliable hidden from her husband, but in reality this is not entirely true.
Dmitry, 40 years old. He has been married for 14 years. “My wife and I live like neighbors, but good neighbors.We have a good relationship. The daughter is already 12 years old. I don’t often take a male interest in her. I even do not know why. She is beautiful, takes care of herself. But I’m used to it. I treat her with love, but brotherly. I allowed myself something in marriage – casual relationships. The wife did not know about this. I travel a lot and have irregular working hours. Therefore, it was not difficult to hide the betrayal. Not so long ago I began to notice that my wife began to leave in the evenings. Previously, this was extremely rare. And now every week, either to the theater with a friend, or to the club with another friend.I also notice other things: erotic underwear in the closet, flowers (she says that she bought it herself), I began to take my mobile phone even to the bathroom. I don’t tell her anything. I myself am not sinless. In addition, I know that she, just like me, values our relationship, our mutual understanding and, therefore, will limit herself to small pranks. ”
Such an attitude of husbands who “allow themselves something” to cheating on their wives is not uncommon. Thus, they want to make their betrayal legal. True, it would be more honest to talk to your wife and make your relationship open.Many men persuade their wives to engage in swingers (exchange of partners), which psychologists consider “legalized betrayal” primarily for men. I do not mean to say that there are no husbands who are not jealous of their wives. There are also pathological jealous people who blame their wives even when they are loyal to them. There are men who respond appropriately to infidelity – that is, they experience jealousy in response to their wife’s proven infidelity. This jealousy translates into conflicts and even leaving the family. Let me make the assumption that often husbands react violently to betrayal when they themselves were thinking about divorce.When there are no such thoughts, many men pretend that they “do not notice” adultery. True, a caveat is needed here: all that has been said applies only to marriages with a long experience. If the spouses have been married for no more than three years, then betrayal usually splits their relationship to pieces …
Through the eyes of a lover
And what do the lovers of married women think and feel? I will cite a few statements right away:
Alexey, 35 years old, divorced. “After the divorce, I had different women, mostly unmarried.They all had the same difficulties: everyone wanted to get married. And after a bad experience I don’t want to get married yet. Therefore, I had to part with all women. Now I have a married mistress. Her husband is a very busy businessman. As far as I know, he pays little attention to her. And he walks himself. But she does not want to get divorced. And that suits me. She does not require from me frequent meetings, loyalty and marriage proposal. Of course, I give her gifts that will not give away her connection with me. Sometimes we spend the night together when her husband is away.I treat her very well. She is a smart and good person. I would not want to lose her. Today everything suits me “.
Renat, 46 years old, married. “I have been married for 20 years and have two children. I have a good relationship with my wife. In marriage, everything suits me, except for the sexual side of it. Unfortunately, I have not noticed my attraction to my wife for a long time. Sometimes I do my “conjugal duty” without any pleasure. It’s hard for a man to live like that. He began, as they say, “to walk to the left.” I had an affair with an unmarried woman who hoped that I would get a divorce.Despite my repeated words that I do not intend to change my life. Women often live with illusions and vain hopes. That’s the way they are. That relationship ended in scandal, her depression, even a psychiatric clinic. Terrible. Do not think that I am some kind of monster. I was very sorry for her. He gave money for treatment, visited. He tried to console him as best he could. My wife found out everything, I didn’t deny it, I was so tired then that I was reluctant to lie. I explained everything to her as best I could. It is clear that she, too, was jealous, throwing tantrums.Gradually calmed down. Now I have had a relationship with a married woman for two years. The grave will fix the hunchback, you say? This is true. She is a little younger than me, very beautiful, sexy. I love her in my own way. Probably, she wants to distract herself from her usual affairs in a relationship with me. She and her husband have a close relationship. She will never leave him. Loves. Sometimes I’m even a little jealous. I really don’t tell her. What for? It’s too early to change anything. Yes, and everything suits me. And her too. It is also important that we understand each other.We both don’t want to hurt our spouses. Therefore, she does not reproach me for the lack of attention or for the fact that I cannot stay with her for the night. After all, she herself cannot. ”
It seems that men choose married women because they don’t want to get married. Or they just want a bachelor life; or they themselves have long and firmly married.
I was interested in the question, but what about male solidarity? In one clever book I came across the idea that there is an unwritten agreement between men “not to touch each other’s women.”The author argued that this was due to a patriarchal family, where the fidelity of wives was mandatory. However, now the patriarchal family is already a thing of the past (this does not apply to the East). And what, along with her, male solidarity leaves?
Renat, 46 years old “Solidarity? Do not know. I have always believed that all men are my potential enemies. I have friends, of course. And, say, with a girlfriend or a friend’s wife, I would not allow myself anything. But if there is a certain husband whom I do not know, why should I feel something for him? True, I had such a case when I accidentally met the husband of my colleague, with whom I had a short sexual relationship.I immediately stopped it, in the sense – the connection. And I still communicate with her husband ”.
Igor 40 years old “There is such a thing. Therefore, I avoid dating married ladies, especially if I find out that her husband loves her. I hate it if I help her cheat a good person. And I hope that other men will not court my girlfriend or wife, knowing that she is not free. ”
So, we have to conclude that there is it, male solidarity. Alas, in this respect, men are more moral than women.In fact, most men live by the principle: “I will not, and you dare not.” This is a very simplified basic moral principle. It is little inherent in women. A woman acts not on the basis of general principles, but on the basis of feelings. Every woman has her own morality. If she loves, then she will do everything for her beloved and is ready to give everything, and sometimes life itself. But if he doesn’t love, then he can also commit acts that are ugly from the point of view of generally accepted morality. This is neither bad nor good. It’s just that women are different.
Women who have played the role of the lover of a family man suffer greatly from loneliness, endless waiting – calls, meetings, from jealousy.And what do the lovers of married women feel?
Alexey, 35 years old. “Men don’t really care about their relationships with women. If they are men … (laughs). Seriously though, anything can happen. I do not suffer from jealousy. I don’t expect calls: I call her myself when I know that she is alone. We have an agreement: after what hour not to call. I try not to expose her. Neither me nor her need it. I believe that if you have already chosen an unfree woman as a friend, you have to reckon with this.Including with some inconveniences. Which ones? Well, there was a case, we agreed to go to Valaam, I already took the tickets. She told her husband that she was going with a friend to go, he did not mind. But he got into trouble with his mother, she went to the hospital, and my friend thought it wrong to leave him alone in this situation. I made her decision, this is normal, did not make scandals, did not reproach. Of course, it was a pity, but she had a good reason. There were other cases as well. I know how the mistresses of married men sometimes suffer.My sister gets into such a relationship all the time. I tell her that it is her choice. If she suffers greatly, she must part and not repeat more mistakes. In principle, I can tell all women this. ”
Renat, 46 years old. “I work a lot, I have no time to think and analyze, all the more to suffer. I’m not insensitive. I love her, as I said. But I myself am married, and I understand her perfectly. She cannot always dispose of herself as she wants. Same as me. We have never had a single fight over this. ”
Quite comprehensive statements? Rationality, practicality are good.If only women could learn to think and feel like that, many will say. But then they would not be women. And there would be no attractive emotionality in them, the ability to feel much better life with all its suffering, pain, but also happiness.
We rarely plan to cheat on a loved one by getting married, but life often makes its own adjustments. We asked women who cheated on their husbands how this affected their marriage later.
4 completely different, but frank stories. In order not to hide anything and to be honest, the heroines asked us for complete anonymity.
The second lover cheated on me
Natalya, 38 years old
I did not plan to have a lover. He turned on himself, because the relationship in cancer became too cool. There was not enough warmth and love, and I found them in another man.
We met on the Internet, became friends, then stopped being friends. The relationship with her husband could be called friendly and everyone didn’t care.With my lover, we parted with a huge drama, and then I found another lover.
Because of him, I already divorced my husband, he demanded certainty.
But she did not marry him (thank God). We parted after a month and a half, because he cheated on me right and left.
If you want to have a lover, first of all you need to think about what is wrong with your family. If you love a person, then it seems to me that you cannot want anything on the side.
Stayed with my lover friends
Lena, 32 years old
We worked together in the camp.I was a counselor, he was a doctor. My husband at that time left for two months on a business trip. Yes, everything was already falling apart. So everything worked out: his departure, another life, a children’s camp with loves around. We liked each other, but I did not plan to change. I already had such an experience and I immediately confessed everything to my husband, we lived it. But at some point I felt that I really wanted to and was ready to take the risk. I took the first step.
At first we planned that this would only last until my husband returned.But we continued to see each other even when he was at home. We met in the city, rented hotels. I did not bring him home.
It was hard: I had to constantly cheat. I had no remorse, but coming up with an alibi every time was not easy.
My husband knew my lover, but thought we were just friends. Although sometimes he arranged scenes for me about the fact that I spent too much time with him. I spoke directly about the fact that if it were cheating, I would hide my relationship with this person from him.I still don’t know if my husband knew about our real relationship. I think no.
TO THE TOPIC: 10 awkward questions that should not be asked to polygamous couples
This lasted 4 months and gradually faded away. We have remained close friends, we have been friends for several years. And I divorced my husband.
I believe that you can have a lover only if you are sure that you will not regret it and suffer from remorse.
A woman has the right to fill the void
Olga, 34 years old
For three years, her relationship with her husband began to resemble a bad TV series.Nevertheless, nothing foreshadowed an affair on the side, but a new art director appeared on the robot. We began to communicate on the basis of work, ran away from the office for coffee and away we go. I was not going to leave my husband, the partner was married. Yes, we did not plan to converge, the point was passion and intrigue.
About six months later, my husband discovered my fiery correspondence in the messenger and had to break off my relationship with my lover. A week later, he was already running out for coffee with a blonde from the PR department. I was not jealous.
TOPIC: How to keep a man: tips from women’s magazines of the past that will amaze you
About a year later, an affair with an analyst happened at the same job.He was handsome and stupid, there was nothing to talk about, and I didn’t even want to communicate. We slept for several months, then he decided to play the noble and with the words: “You have a husband and a child!” – went into the sunset.
I am not ashamed of a single incident. I believe that if a man does not invest his time and energy in a relationship, a woman has the right to fill the void.
The main thing is to keep your head in the cold and be aware of the consequences. It is important to understand that polyamory and romance on the side are completely different projects.The interest of betrayal is precisely in intrigue, mystery, a little medieval need to hide everything. Cheating is not for the lazy.
The Russian TV series of the same name “Treason” perfectly reveals all sides, who do not mind, you can watch. And cheating is still bad.
The lover called in the middle of the night with threats
Renata, 25 years old
When I was still dating my future (and now ex) husband, I met an interesting man, even more in my taste, if only because, that he was eight years older than me, unlike my student boyfriend.Then I already had doubts whether my union was promising enough and, willy-nilly, I drew attention to the men around.
But my new friend was rather indecisive, and I needed to get married in order to solve housing and other issues of obsessive control and trust with my parents. So I myself proposed to my official boyfriend. Before the wedding itself, I was shaking very much, I understood that this was wrong, and to whom the soul lies more, I wanted to meet in order to at least dramatically say goodbye, but I could not.I hid the date of the wedding from my friend in order to avoid any desperate actions on his part.
Withstood three months for the appearance “as a decent person”, and our relationship reached a new level, more precisely, passed into the horizontal plane. So I got a lover just a short time after the marriage. Subsequently, it began to open that he had a girlfriend. Which he abandoned for me and began to insist on retaliatory measures.
He could call in the middle of the night and threaten to demand to come, because he felt bad.After this happened with my husband, I had to finally report that I didn’t love him.
My husband tried to fix something, but he was no longer interesting to me. It was extremely unpleasant to sleep with one person and think about another. On February 14, I came home, and there was my husband with flowers and congratulations. I freaked out, slammed my fist into the closet and burst into tears. He gave me a day to get out, since I have such a reaction to him.
Gone. I made up with my lover, but after a month we parted.
I tried to maintain friendly relations with my husband, which ended at once, as I had a current partner. Now he pretends not to know me.
To prevent this from happening, I can only advise you not to get married until you make sure that this is the same person, and no one can distract from him.
20 great women to be followed by any man
13. Indira Gandhi
Indira has nothing to do with Mahatma Gandhi, but another Indian prime minister, Jawaharlal Nehru, was her father.However, this does not mean at all that Indira was a spoiled girl from a wealthy family. She brought India out of sheer poverty and forced the whole world to reckon with itself. Many disliked her for this, but great people always have haters.
14. Anna Akhmatova
There are not many people of Akhmatova’s caliber in Russian literature of the 20th century. The recognized classic even during her lifetime, even being persecuted by the Soviet authorities, continued to write and hone her skills.
15. Frida Kahlo
The artist who, together with her husband Diego Rivera, made Mexican art interesting to the whole world.Her paintings are a wild mixture of local folklore, heartfelt feelings and demonic temperament.
16. Madeleine Albright
First female US Secretary of State. Her signature large brooch has become a symbol of tough and uncompromising politics.
17. Valentina Tereshkova
Valentina is the first woman who managed to get to space. And the only one who did it alone. Is there anything else you need to explain?
18. Maya Plisetskaya
Ballet legend, experimenter and world superstar.Plisetskaya significantly raised the bar for ballerinas around the world and invariably gathered full houses wherever she went on tour.
19. Oprah Winfrey
TV presenter, actress, businesswoman, philanthropist. Oprah is synonymous with female success in the 21st century. Her fortune is estimated at nearly $ 3 billion, making her the richest black person in America. Jay-Z and Diddy weren’t even close.
20. Serena Williams
When Serena is on the court, she is dominant and suppressive, it is a tank in human form.We are sure that any professional tennis player, even a male, will tremble when faced with her with a racket in hand.
Photo: Getty Images
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Why women are killed: six real stories that happened in one day
As follows from the report published at by the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime (UNODC ), every day around the world 137 women die at the hands of their loved ones and relatives.
According to the UN, the place of murder of women is most often the home.
More than half of the 87 thousand women killed in 2017 fell victim to those closest to them. Of these, about 30 thousand died at the hands of a partner – husband or roommate – and another 20 thousand were killed by relatives.
Men are still killed more than women
Data compiled by the UN Office on Drugs and Crime show that men are four times more likely to die from willful homicide than women.
The UN indicates that around the world in 8 out of 10 cases of murder are men.
At the same time, the same report says that more than 80% of victims of crimes committed by family members against relatives are women.
“Violence from loved ones continues to be disproportionately hard on women,” says the UN report.
47 women in 21 countries in one day
A UN report summarizes 2017 homicide statistics from government sources.The number of gender-related homicides of women and girls was derived based on the criteria for homicides committed by relatives or loved ones.
After that, the creators of the BBC special project “100 Women”, together with the BBC Monitoring Service, decided to find out more about the real stories of women who are hidden behind the statistics.
As a result, all articles in the world press regarding the murders of women on October 1, 2018 were tracked. BBC reporters around the world counted 47 such reports of women murdered in 21 countries, most likely for gender-related reasons 90,071.90,073 Most of these killings are still under investigation.
Here are just six such cases. They were initially reported in the local press. The BBC has received official confirmation of the facts stated here.
Judith Chesang, 22, Kenya
Photo Credit, Family handout
On Monday October 1, Judith Chesang and her sister Nancy were harvesting sorghum in the field.
Judith, a mother of three, recently divorced her husband Laban Kamuren and has decided to return to her parents’ village in the north of the country.
Soon after the sisters began harvesting, Kamuren came to the family farm, attacked his ex-wife and killed her.
According to local police, after this Kamuren himself was killed by local residents.
A UN report states that women in Africa are most at risk of being killed by loved ones or relatives. In total, there are 3.1 such deaths per 100 thousand people.
And in terms of the total number of murders of women by relatives and friends, Asia is in the lead: 20 thousand women died there in 2017.
Neha Sharad Choduri, 18 years old, India
Photo by Manohar Shewale
Neha Sharad Choduri probably died in a so-called “honor killing” on the day she turned 18. She celebrated her birthday with her boyfriend.
Police confirmed to the BBC that the girl’s parents were against the relationship. Now parents and another relative are accused of the murder of the girl that evening, committed right in the parental home.
The investigation is ongoing and the three main suspects remain in custody awaiting trial.
A lawyer representing Nekha’s parents and relative told the BBC that the suspects were not going to admit their guilt.
Hundreds of women die every year just because they fall in love or get married against the wishes of their families. However, there are no exact statistics on “honor killings”, since often such crimes are not recorded or no one reports them.
Zeinab Sekaanvan, 24 years old, Iran
Photo author, Private via Amnesty International
Zeinab Sekaanvan was executed in Iran for the murder of her husband.
Zeinab was born in northwestern Iran to a poor Kurdish family with conservative views. As a very young girl, she ran away from the family in order to get married and find a better life in life.
But she was unlucky: according to an international human rights organization, her husband mistreated Zeynab and refused to give her a divorce. In doing so, the police ignored all of her complaints of beatings.
Zeinab was arrested for the murder of her husband when she was 17 years old.
Amnesty International claims that she was tortured to confess to killing her husband, that she was beaten by the police and that her trial was not fair.
A UNODC report suggests that women who choose to kill their partner have often experienced prolonged physical abuse before.
The report also found that male murderers often cited a sense of ownership, jealousy and fear of abandonment as motives.
This seems to be what happened to the Brazilian couple: a man and a woman lived together for many years and were found dead the same day Zeinab was executed.
Sandra Lucia Ammer Maura, 39 years old, Brazil
Photo by Reproduction / Facebook
Sandra Lucia Ammer Maura married August Aguaira Ribeiro at the age of 16 and lived with him for almost a quarter of a century.
Five months after the divorce, he killed her.
Police in the town of Jardim Takuari confirmed to the BBC Brazilian service that the woman died from being stabbed in the neck.
Investigators found a video of the confession to the murder on her husband’s mobile phone.Augustu stated that Lucia started dating another person, and he interpreted this as a betrayal.
He also boasted on the video that he would not be arrested, because together they would “go to the Creator.”
Augustu hanged himself in the bedroom of their common home. He really escaped arrest.
Sandra’s case illustrates the so-called form of “murder-suicide” in which a person kills one or more victims and then commits suicide.
Marie-Amelie Vaillat, 36 years old, France
Photo by, PHOTOPQR / LE PROGRES / Photo Jean-Pierre BALFIN
Marie-Amelie was stabbed to death by her husband Sebastien Vaillat.
They separated after 4 years of marriage. He attacked a woman with a knife, after which he voluntarily surrendered to the police. A few days later, he stabbed himself to death in prison.
Neighbors Marie-Amelie brought armfuls of flowers to the door of the lingerie store on Bichat Street, which she owned, and marched in memory of the deceased.
The murder of Marie-Amelie Vaille occurred on the same day that the French government announced new plans to combat domestic violence.
Photo author, PHOTOPQR / LE PROGRES / Photo Jean-Pierre BALFINPhoto caption,
March in memory of Marie-Amelie
Elena Verba, 29 years old, Russia
Photo author, VK / Elena Verba
Happy family Elena’s life ended in the summer of 2017.
Her husband Sergei, a former employee of the Federal Drug Control Service, decided that she was cheating on him, invited her into the forest under the pretext of picking mushrooms and attacked her there with a knife, demanding confessions.
Elena was able to escape and later reported to the police about this attack, however, the guards held an educational conversation with her husband and was limited to this.
Elena wanted to divorce, but could not do it: according to lawyers, her husband intimidated her and threatened that the divorce would cost her dearly.
At the same time, Sergei did not stop suspecting his wife and as a result, in a fit of jealousy, attacked her and, in front of his seven-year-old son, inflicted 28 knife wounds.
When does the murder of a woman deserve attention?
To bring you these stories of women murdered on gender grounds, an entire network of BBC employees closely watched TV shows, social media, print media, and listened to radio around the world.
They found that there were a total of 47 reports of murders of women on October 1 of this year. The BBC tells only about a small part of them: many cases remained unconfirmed, some crimes against women were not officially registered, sometimes the motives were not clear or the perpetrators were not identified.
The UNODC report finds that a large proportion of crimes against women are overlooked by law enforcement, either not reported or the police do not investigate these crimes as specifically targeting women.
“Our research is intended to remind not only those women we know about, but also those cases that were not reported by the police or the media,” says Mariam Azver, an employee of the BBC Monitoring Service, whose task was to generalize collected data.- The stories of these women were never published, or they could not be verified, or the police did not investigate these deaths. So we can only wonder: when is the murder of a woman considered important enough for the newspapers to write about it? “90,000 18 wonderful films that only women can understand – What to watch
These films inspire, inspire, make you cry about someone else’s grief or believe in a miracle. But only a select few. This does not work for men, because they do not know anything.Notre Dame
Notre Dame, 2019
By incredible coincidence, single mother and unfortunate architect Maud Kryon wins a design competition for the renovation of the area around Notre Dame. And she, in fact, without this surprise of fate is full of worries: irritable bosses, an infantile ex-husband, an unplanned pregnancy and suddenly flared up feelings for the handsome man she met in her youth.Little women
Little Women, 2019
The lovely March sisters, from a poor pastor’s family, have tons of talents and aspirations. One is artistic, the other writes well, the third draws, the fourth plays the piano beautifully. But it’s the middle of the 19th century, and marriage and motherhood are considered the only true social role of a woman, so girls can cherish their talents, but not pin high hopes on them.However, the stubborn young writer Joe does not agree with this alignment and is sure that she will succeed.Where have you disappeared, Bernadette?
Where’d You Go, Bernadette, 2019
The once talented architect Bernadette abandoned her job twenty years ago and went headlong into family life, giving all her time to her daughter and husband. True, the energy of a creative person is seething and requires an exit – a woman constantly freaks out and suffers from insomnia.One day she just runs away from home to the ends of the world to understand her inner world and understand what went wrong in life.Be Astrid Lindgren
Unga Astrid, 2018
The story of the writer who invented Carlson, Pippi Longstocking, Mio and Emil from Lönneberg. Growing up in a strict religious family of farmers, the girl is forced to give her illegitimate son to be raised by another woman, so as not to let down her parents who value their reputation.A very sad movie about the one who gave joy to millions of children.Tully
Housewife Marlo simply drowned in everyday life: she has a husband, three children, there has been no order in the house for a long time, and you shouldn’t even dream of free time for yourself. When the situation becomes truly unbearable, Marlo decides to hire a night nanny. It is all terribly awkward for her, but when help comes in the person of the pretty, kind and practically sorceress Tully, the poor woman gets the opportunity to at least get some sleep.Simple request
A Simple Favor, 2018
Single mother, blogger and eternal activist Stephanie, whose life is completely focused on the kitchen and son, meets the eccentric and stylish lady Emily. Stephanie is simply mesmerized by her manners, courage, beauty and does not even notice that she has become a free nanny for a new friend’s child. Once Emily asks to look after her son until evening, and she disappears without a trace.Stephanie suspects something terrible and with her usual energy takes up the investigation.Beauty for the beast
Mary Shelley, 2017
Young Mary loves scary novels and tries to write herself, but she only succeeds in imitating what she has already read. The girl will have her own ideas only after she runs away from home with the scandalous poet Percy Shelley, loses her child, becomes disillusioned with love and understands the horror of loneliness.From all this, the famous novel “Frankenstein, or Modern Prometheus” will be born.Hidden figures
Hidden Figures, 2016
In the 60s, women in the United States were, in principle, a rather disenfranchised part of society, and as for black women, racial discrimination was added to this. The film “Hidden Figures” tells how, despite all this, African American mathematicians worked at NASA.By the way, the geniuses of their craft.Haute couture revenge
The Dressmaker, 2016
A stylish piece with a suitcase of trendy rags arrives in the Australian outback. She returned to her home and hatches a plan: she needs to sort out the dark business that happened many years ago, when she was a girl, and deal with the offenders, having only golden hands and impeccable taste. It is very beautiful, funny, and at times makes you cry.Tragicomedy in one word.Love is out of size
Un homme à la hauteur, 2016
One day the beautiful Diana meets the halfling Alexander, and he convinces her to give him a chance. The point is that true love is such an amusing thing when you quickly stop noticing the physical characteristics of a loved one. Moreover, he is trying to compensate for the growth deficit with excellent mental qualities.And everything is fine as long as you two are together, but what will happen if your unusual couple tries to integrate into society.Jackie
After the death of her husband, President Kennedy, the world admired Jacqueline’s resilience, dignity, and self-control. But what did this woman really feel when her world collapsed? A few days after the end of the world through the eyes of Jackie Kennedy.Joy
Very often life swirls us so much in a whirlwind of daily worries, problems requiring immediate resolution, that we forget who we are, what we once dreamed of.But maybe it is in childhood dreams that real help lurks in life’s troubles. Joy, a girl who loved to invent different interesting gizmos, became an exhausted single mother, always in need of money and at least a couple of minutes of rest. And so, in one of the most difficult days of her life, she invented the miracle mop. This was the beginning of a difficult, but still the path to success.Princess of monaco
Grace of Monaco, 2014
Once the Hollywood star Grace Kelly, who was at the top of her acting career, left everything and married the ruler of Monaco – a tiny state on the border with France.The former actress did not immediately realize that this was the beginning of the most difficult role in her life, but she would not be Grace Kelly if she was defeated.Trails
A beautiful, lyrical and inspiring film about how young Robin decided to cross Australia on foot. She is accompanied by four camels and the faithful dog Dig. On the way, an obsessive National Geographic photographer visits her once a month.
Remember the movie Wild with Reese Witherspoon? So, the equally wonderful “Trails”, also based on real events, came out a year earlier, and Mia Wasikowska starred in the main role. At the same time, the heroine’s journey is much more extreme – a desert, after all.Frozen from Miami
New in Town, 2009
A romantic production comedy to take a break from worries. A stylish career woman, accustomed to the warm climate and comfort of a big city, is sent to snow-covered Minnesota.Its mission is to lay off half of the employees and improve the financial performance of the provincial factory. The locals, of course, are not happy with her visit.Women
The Women, 2006
This is a bachelorette party movie that categorically puts men to sleep. If you lure your loved one to watch this movie, in the fifth minute he will start moaning: “How can you watch such nonsense.” By the way, despite the fact that the whole action of the comedy revolves around men, there are only women in the frame and their view of the problem of infidelity.8 women
8 femmes, 2001
Light musical detective, in which the only man is the victim of a crime. At an estate in the French hinterland, they gathered to celebrate Christmas. The holiday fell through, as the owner of the house was killed and it is necessary to find out who the killer is. The trouble is, each of the eight women at home had a motive for the crime. So they are trying to unravel the case, along the way taking out skeletons from cabinets and performing musical numbers.Beauties
And a wonderful French comedy about how great it is to be yourself, but from time to time you have to look into someone else’s territory. This provides new life experiences and pleasant acquaintances. Cessile Bussy, a convinced nerd, decides to write a dissertation on the modern “bimbo tribe” – hunt for rich husbands. To explore the material more closely, she must join the group and become a sex bomb.
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When a Man Becomes a Victim: Confession of Domestic Violence | Culture and Lifestyle in Germany and Europe | DW
New statistics on domestic violence in Germany were presented in Berlin on 10 November. According to police data, in 2019, every third day in Germany, a woman died at the hands of a former or current husband or lover. As a result of domestic violence, 117 women and 32 men lost their lives.In total, there are 141 thousand victims of crimes in the country with one or another (in terms of severity) outcome. 81 percent of the victims are women. 19 percent are men …
When Tami Weissenberg first met his girlfriend, he thought, like many men: “I am her savior.” She told him about her previous life with an abusive partner, about the beatings and her grief. This moved him, he wanted to help her, to show that there are other men. Understanding, empathetic and attentive. People like him.“I didn’t notice then that it was all just a clever trick to get someone to use to their advantage,” Tami says today. The relationship lasted six fatal years.
Tami Weissenberg gives the impression of a confident person. Tall, handsome. Business man. He tells his story calmly and thoughtfully. Is Tami a victim? It’s hard to believe in this. The victims are usually small, fragile, weak. Or is it a stereotype?
“I felt like a servant who always wanted to please”
Tami and his girlfriend moved in.Shared apartment, shared everyday life, shared bill. He supported her, including financially. He helped her live a new life, received moral return from this and fell deeper and deeper into dependence. And this happened for the first time …
“It all started when on vacation we spent the night in a hotel that did not meet her requirements, – says Tami. – She did not want to pay. And I had to support her and express to the owner of the hotel how filthy he has. ”But I didn’t, because I didn’t want to humiliate the man.Then she herself decided to scold him. And I got into the car and waited. When she returned, she pounced on me, screaming and slapping me in the face. And I thought that I would never again dare to disobey her. “
His girlfriend justified herself. She had a difficult childhood. Without warmth and stable relationships in the family. He accepted her explanations. And so the addiction grew from year to year.” felt like a servant who always wanted to please. And always in the first place was the thought: you have to do what she likes. Serve the fruits she loved the way she loved.And if something didn’t suit her, then different objects flew at me, “Tami says. in the hospital with broken bones or cuts. Despite this, he did not rebel, did not defend himself, but hoped that she would finally understand what was wrong. not to make mistakes.I was constantly busy, I did not have time to be alone, to reflect on the situation, “continues Tami. There was almost no hope for help. A friend controlled all social contacts. From people who could learn about outbreaks of violence, including and relatives, he should have stayed away.
Men do not perceive themselves as a victim
According to the Federal Criminal Police Office, in 2018 there were 26,000 cases of domestic violence against men in Germany.This is what is known. Who will believe someone who says that his wife beats him? There is no place for a vulnerable man in the public consciousness. This is supported by research by Elizabeth Bates of the University of Cumbria. “In television programs and comedy shows, violence against a man is a humorous means. We can laugh when we see a woman pounding a man, but it has consequences,” the British scientist notes. “There are many reasons that prevent a man from seeking help. them – the fear that they will not believe him.And the way the media talks about violence influences this fear. ”Research also shows that because of this attitude towards men in society, they do not perceive themselves as a victim, although they suffer from the violence mentally and experience health problems. How men become victims A study by the Federal Department of Family Affairs shows that the most common cause of harm is minor harm, such as when a woman pushes a man. him of the item lying at hand.Even more often, men talk about psychological pressure when they are forbidden from social contacts out of jealousy, completely control their actions, humiliate and insult. “Men, as often as women, admit that they have experienced domestic violence in partnerships at least once. Severe manifestations in the case of women are much more common, but not only a few men face this,” says one of the authors research by Ralf Puchert.
For Tami Weissenberg, the beatings were not the worst.The psychological pressure was much stronger. “Once she took off her robe, stood in front of me naked. And she began to beat herself and scratch, she shouted:“ Ah! Stop it! It hurts. “I was completely numb. When she finished, she put on a dressing gown, took the recorder out of her bag and turned it off,” Tami recalls. “How cool it is to have such a recorder. This is my trump card,” his girlfriend blackmailed him so that he would not tell someone about the beatings. “I was afraid of losing face, my reputation at work and being perceived not as a victim, but as a rapist.And fear can crush anyone, “Tami admits.
Help for male victims of domestic violence
This spring, a helpline for men suffering from domestic violence appeared in Germany.“ Men need a place where they do not have the feeling that they will be “gagged,” says consultancy chief Andreas Haase. Dozens of men come here every week, and many of them think that their situation is desperate. “Many are afraid to change something. They think that if they want to leave, the partners will“ finish off ”them.Often they have children, and they are afraid of losing communication with them, “notes Haase.
Advertising telephone helpline for men in Germany
By contacting support, men can put heroism aside and look at themselves from the perspective of a victim. it brings them significant relief, says the consultant. His goal is to make them feel that they have room to maneuver and help them sort out their feelings. To Tami, the realization of the limit came spontaneously: “The decisive day was when my throat hurt, and, returning from work, I had to stop by the pharmacy.But my way home was so meticulously planned and was constantly accompanied by her calls … I felt helpless. I did not return home. Never again. “
Tami Weissenberg himself freed himself from toxic relationships.” At that time I did not have enough people to whom I could turn with my problems. So later I started a self-help group. This is how I saw that many other men had found themselves in similar situations, “he says. The group grew out of the Weissenberg e.V. In addition to counseling for men in crisis situations, it helps with housing where victims of domestic violence can be safe.
Now Tami has a new love. He does not want to take revenge on his ex-girlfriend, he still protects her and maintains contact with her. “She survived the losses, dreamed of compensating for them at the expense of material wealth. She constantly needed to be admired. It was her addiction. She was afraid to lose it all,” Tami sympathizes with her. For him, the discussion of domestic violence is not limited to the juxtaposition of men and women.He, like counseling services for men, constantly emphasizes that women are much more likely to experience domestic violence and that its consequences for them are much more tragic. Feminism and the struggle for equality also contributed to the perception of violence against men, Weissenberg said, as women were the first to question gender roles and prevalent clichés. And, in his opinion, this struggle is not over yet.
Artists oppose violence
Fight for life
25 November is declared by the UN International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women in memory of the Mirabal sisters killed for resisting the dictatorial regime in the Dominican Republic …Paying attention to the problem of violence is the task of the artists whose work is on display in the Women’s Museum in Bonn. The paintings of the series “Kurdish Women and Their Struggle for Life” were painted by refugees from Iraq, Syria and Turkey.
Artists opposed violence
Sticks, knives, bottles – objects of photographs by photographer Dirk Dähmlow. The series called “Calling a Spade a Spade” captures the weapons of bullying women from Germany, Russia, Brazil, India, Ethiopia, Zambia and Burkina Faso.
Artists opposed violence
One hundred thousand a year
According to the Federal Office for Criminal Affairs (Bundeskriminalamt – BKA), in 2015, more than one hundred thousand women became victims of domestic violence in Germany. In 331 cases, their injuries were fatal.
Artists spoke out against violence
In the EU, every third woman has experienced sexual and physical violence at least once.In most cases, the perpetrators are former and current husbands and partners.
Artists opposed violence
Violence includes not only beatings, but also threats, insults, psychological and emotional pressure. These actions in relation to women can be the first signals of possible physical violence.
Artists opposed violence
The topic of violence is still a taboo.However, crime victims’ hotlines operate around the clock in all cities in Germany. In addition to German, the consultants speak several foreign languages and can provide the necessary support. In addition, women can go to special homes – Frauenhäuser, where they can spend the night and receive first aid.
Artist: Ksenia Safronova