Help Me! by Marianne Power review – can self-help books really change your life? | Books
If, like me, you spent your 20s, 30s and maybe a bit more reading self-help manuals, then the titles that Marianne Power name-checks in this memoir will feel like dog-eared old familiars. There’s Susan Jeffers’ Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Paul McKenna’s I Can Make You Rich (although it was actually his companion text I Can Make You Thin that became my personal bible), Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret and Jack Canfield’s Chicken Soup for the Soul. Some were better than others, but one of the biggest challenges was trying to map a mostly American worldview on to another thousands of miles away. Should you put a picture of “your dream condo” on your vision board? Did it matter that you had never featured in a high school yearbook or flown across the country to celebrate Thanksgiving with your folks? And what about the whole business of “dating”, an elaborate etiquette of call and response that bore no relation to what actually went on in the UK in the 1990s, where lifelong relationships usually began in a mutual lunge after a long night in the pub?
By the end of the year she planned to be solvent, healthy and loved by a handsome man
Perhaps the greatest surprise of Power’s Help Me! is the revelation that, 20 years later, these are still among the books that worried thirtysomethings turn to for advice about how to change – for which read “improve” or even “rescue” – their love life, bank balance or body mass index. A few years ago, 36-year-old Power, chronically broke, single and hungover, created a blog in which she described her year-long experiment in living each month according to a different self-help manual. January would be Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, requiring her to pose naked for a life-drawing class and chat up strange men (not, mercifully, at the same time), while February would be all about Kate Northrup’s Money, a Love Story, which meant Power actually opening her bank statements and selling her unworn but still ticketed clothes. By the end of the year she planned to be solvent, healthy and loved by a handsome man.
The gap between how young women are and how they think they ought to be: Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s darkly sublime Fleabag. Photograph: BBC/Two Brothers Pictures Ltd.
Back in the 90s, Helen Fielding debuted Bridget Jones’s Diary in the Independent, before being asked by Picador to expand her pseudonymous column into a book. So it is no surprise that Picador has swooped on Power’s blog and is bringing it to market in expanded form. Indeed, its publicity makes much of the connection, hinting shamelessly that Help Me! will do the same cultural work that Bridget Jones performed so stunningly two decades ago.
But how can that be? Bridget Jones was telling a particular story about a specific time. In an era of “post-feminism” – how quaint that sounds now – “having it all” had become not so much an option as a tyrannical obligation for educated young women. Bridget’s failure to acquire simultaneously the thighs of a gazelle and a position as CEO of an international aid agency were not just a trigger for funny writing but also a sly commentary on the way that second-wave feminism of the 70s and early 80s had resulted not in women’s liberation from society’s hobbling expectations but capitulation to a whole new, sneakier, version of them.
Help Me!, by contrast, is a series of anecdotes about spending a “rollercoaster” year in which “every bit of me was turned inside out” (Power is not immune from using the cliches of the books she is trying to critique). She does some public speaking, walks on hot coals (literally, Tony Robbins, the American motivational speaker, is still making people do that, years after he first suggested it as a way to Unleash the Power Within), and almost auditions for The X Factor. What disrupts her plan to humiliate herself at Wembley stadium is the sudden death of her uncle at 59, a family catastrophe that requires her to fly to Ireland to be at her mother’s side. And, in fact, it is these lightning bolts of real-life experience, including what sounds like a painful breakdown three-quarters of the way through her experiment, that stops Help Me! floating off into inconsequence.
Still, the book retains a certain generic weightlessness. Making art, really funny art, out of the gap between how young women are and how they think they ought to be is still possible 20 years on from Bridget Jones: just think of Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s darkly sublime Fleabag. Help Me! floats over the same territory but left me, just like the self-help texts it sets out to interrogate, hungry for something more. What’s missing, ultimately, is that sharp crack of insight that tells us what it feels like to be youngish and female here, now, at this very moment in history.
Help Me! is published by Picador. To order a copy for £12.74 (RRP £14.99) go to guardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min p&p of £1.99.
Tea With ‘Help Me!’ Author Marianne Power
Photo: Ken McKay/ITV/REX/Shutterstock
The day after New Year’s is dull and gray, and the whole of London looks like a late-stage hangover, muttering desperately about Dry January and other impossible resolutions. It’s a good day to meet with Marianne Power — a day very much like the morning almost exactly five years ago when she found herself poised above the murky, freezing water of the outdoor pond on Hampstead Heath, ready to take a swim.
She had decided that day to make herself over, and — this being 2014 — to blog about it. Her plan was simple. Every month she would choose a different self-help book and follow it devotedly. She would feel the fear and do it anyway, unleash the power within, dare greatly, and (if all went to plan) heal her life. Instead, amid a spiral of self-obsession and self-doubt, her life threatened to fall completely apart. Her book, Help Me! — out this week from Grove Press — chronicles her bumpy road from a “life-changing hangover” to a more humble kind of self-awareness, via flirtations with celestial guardian angels and bearded men in coffee shops, expensive retreats and lots of cheap wine. Discussing the experience over tea and cake in a north London café, Power is earnest and emotional; one of the consequences of trying to improve yourself all the way to a breakdown, she admits, is that the smallest things make you cry.
Before embarking on her self-improvement quest, Power treated self-help books like comfort food. The fantasy they offered — of getting richer and skinnier and finding love — was enough on its own, akin to buying glossy cookbooks “and eating chips every night.” When it came to their potential effectiveness, she was as skeptical as any Londoner. But as she got deeper into her 30s, discontentedly single, in debt, and surrounded by friends who seemed more successful, Power began to feel “defective.” What would happen if she embarked on a measurable, concrete mission: To perfect not one small area of her life but all of it, forever?
Most of Power’s chosen titles promise big, sweeping change. Her year began with Susan Jeffers’s 1987 classic Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway — which in her case meant skydiving, nude modeling, and, scariest of all, talking to strangers. She walked through hot coals at a Tony Robbins retreat and wrote herself huge checks in the hope that the money would manifest for real, through the power of “the Secret.” She tried communicating with angels and saying “f**k it” to all her anxieties. Hers were the kind of self-help books that promise to explain everything, manifesting millions of fierce devotees from whom you would probably back away at a party.
But few people backed away from Power — not even Brits, who wear their cynicism like a badge of courage. Instead, “I got emails from really quite senior, successful people saying, ‘I relate to this so much,’ or ‘I struggle with this. ’” And the genre wasn’t played out; it was bigger than ever. Visiting a central London bookstore recently, Power found a self-help section that could have swallowed another store — subdivided into sections like “spirituality” (sub-subsection: angels), and something called “smart thinking,” covering everything from Steven Pinker to “entrepreneurial success literature” (self-help that men won’t be embarrassed to buy). The new vogue for “wellness” and “mindfulness” allows practitioners to talk about self-improvement without the lingering stigma of the term “self-help.” And among “younger, cooler people,” formerly fringe elements like crystal healing are moving to the mainstream. “All the witchy-type things are very popular at the moment, especially with young women,” Power notes. “And shamanism. Around Hackney you can’t go to the supermarket without hearing someone on the phone talking about their ayahuasca experience.”
Power’s mission, then, was to stay afloat in the sea of hype and find her own way forward. And her solution, ultimately, was old-fashioned therapy. In the U.K., that’s a bigger leap than you might imagine. “I’d thought you either had to have real, serious problems or you were a self-indulgent nightmare if you went to therapy,” Power says. “There is still this British and Irish thing of keeping your feelings down, stiff upper lip. Or drinking our feelings away.”
It was Power’s therapist who helped her understand why her self-directed project fell apart, why it’s impossible “to fix yourself with the same brain that caused your problems.” Although she couldn’t help raising an eyebrow in her book — a therapist would say that, wouldn’t she? — Power eventually realized that she needed a check on the all-absorbing focus on herself. “I thought the more I thought about myself, the more I would get answers,” she says. “But it didn’t happen like that. The more I was thinking about myself, the more problems I could see, and the more self-involved and cut off from people I was becoming.” Her friends and family, initially supportive but skeptical, couldn’t understand why someone they loved needed to work so hard to fix flaws in herself that only she could see.
Then there was the problem of connecting to others on the most intimate levels. Although finding a partner is one of the perennial goals of self-help, Power took her time before getting to a dating guide — Matthew Hussey’s Get the Guy, which posits that meeting a potential partner is basically a numbers game. She dutifully began approaching strangers and arranging excruciating Tinder dates, but hers was not a romantic odyssey. After meeting a handsome stranger in a coffee shop, she got invited to a wedding on a Greek island, but decided she was too broke and depressed to go. Today, she talks passionately about the perception that being single represents a flaw or affliction. She now believes it isn’t a question of confidence or initiative, or something to “fix” with a five-point action plan. It goes much deeper than that. Feeling yourself to be worthy of love is the project of a lifetime, not just a year.
Given everything she’s learned, I ask Power if she considers her own memoir, in its way, a self-help book? She didn’t intend it that way, but is now hearing from readers in other countries where the book’s been published — in Portugal, in Korea — who have identified with her story. One woman said it was like reading about herself, “and she figured she wasn’t so bad after all, because she liked me in the book. ” Power believes (and others agree) that humbler, more personal stories like hers, which admit to struggle and doubt, are becoming more popular than books full of programmatic promises.
Anyone can be a source of help, after all — memoirists, philosophers, village elders, priests, family members. Power remains a big fan of Brené Brown, the author of Daring Greatly, who says she doesn’t believe in the term self-help, “because she doesn’t think we’re meant to do it on our own. We’re meant to help each other.” The books she’s looking for now are more generally geared toward understanding life. “I do find being a human being a hard process and I’m always trying to understand it a bit more.”
While Power recognizes the value of self-help books, she’s grown wary of their suggestion that perfection is possible. Not every day can be evidence of your best life — even if social media, especially Instagram, demands that we constantly perform our best lives for an audience, implying that “if life isn’t a yoga pose on a sunset beach then you’re a bit of a dud.” It took more than a year of “bashing my head against the wall trying to be perfect,” says Power, to understand that there’s really no such thing.
So perfection may not be possible in life, but is there a perfect self-help book? When I ask which one she’d save from a burning house, she’s diplomatic: “I think there’s wisdom in loads of them.” But Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now has pride of place at her bedside. “It’s about this annoying, obvious thing of just being in the moment, instead of worrying about what’s going to happen tomorrow or criticizing ourselves for what’s happened in the past. ” Accordingly, there’s no grand revelation at the end of Power’s book, but a series of kind and ordinary truths: Be honest. Be kind. Lighten up. Have a drink. You’re doing great. “Such boring wisdom at the end, isn’t it?”
Help Me! by Marianne Power
“I wasn’t just going to read self-help. I was going to DO self-help.”
Help Me! By Marianne Power
I think someone told me about this book, perhaps Susannah, and it sounded really fun so I bought it.
Marianne, a freelance journalist and self help junkie, who experiences a myriad of problems in her life ranging from finance to dating to body image, decides to live her life according to self-help book rules.
One self help book a month, ranging from The Secret to Fuck It to The Power of Now. And Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown, which I haven’t read but dislike for some reason so I should really at least try. ANYWAY.
So far, hundred percent on board.
Kookiness Scale (1-10)
Well, we’re dealing with a hybrid Irish-English journalist so any woo-woo self-help, Universe talk and spiritual nonsense is combatted with her funny wit, her occasional cynicism. Some topics are kooky (the Secret, Money: A Love Story), so a 3-4.
Marianne leaves room for all the woo-woo self-help has to offer, but her book never reads as way out there or loopy. Marianne tries the philosophies from different selfhelp books, that’ all.
My Favourite Quotes from Help Me! by Marianne Power
From the chapter about Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway
- “Psychologists say that there are two sources to all our fears. The first involves physical safety […]. The second source of fear is of social isolation, which is why we are so scared of looking stupid in front of people or being rejected.”
- “I was capable of way more than I’d realised. From karaoke I’d learned that life is much more fun if you just lighten up. ”
- “I was surprised what a rush of confidence you can get just from doing the little things that you normally avoid. It was the opposite sensation to energy sapping.”
From the chapter about The Secret
- “Rhonda Byrne clearly uncovered the secret to getting rich.” (LOL)
- “‘Rhonda says our dreams only come true if we really believe– and if they don’t come true it’s because I don’t believe.’ ‘That’s convenient,’ said Mum.”
- “Was it inspired action or the law of attraction? Or was it old-fashioned hard work?”
From the chapter about Rejection Therapy, Take Two
- “Self help might be self-indulgent and ridiculous, but how was opting out and slowing out any better? I didn’t want a life full of regret and lack. I wanted to live to my potential. Whatever that was.”
- “I had colleagues who had done great things, not because they were better than me but because they knocked on doors and hustled.”
From the chapter about F**ck It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way
- “John explained that F**k It doesn’t mean doing nothing, it just means not caring so much about the outcome. You can go for the sweet (or the job, or the man, or the house) but you do it with a relaxed attitude and accept that what will be will be.”
- “On the third day we learned how pretending to like things you don’t make you feel sick and tired.”
From the chapter about The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey
- “The dangerous expectation that can be created by self-help books is that if you’re not walking around like a cross between Mary Poppins, Buddha and Jesus every day, you’re doing it wrong. You must try harder.”
From the other chapters (PLOT TWIST)
- “My self indulgence had grown with my self-help consumption. I started to see how self-help can be dangerous from someone like me.”
- “Kate Northrup? The money guru? Do you know how she got into debt? By doing too many personal development courses. Seriously. She wrote a self help book on how to get out of the debt created by self-help. ”
- “The Secret didn’t help me; I helped myself.”
Self Help Hipster Stamp of Approval?
Let me start by saying that I LOVE it when writers do stuff like this: actually trying things and then writing about them. I also love it when they aren’t afraid to criticise self help, the philosophies of self help books and the incessant need we have to improve ourselves. We SHOULD criticise these things, think critically and challenge certain aspects of a culture, a movement or an industry. So yay for all that.
But what made me super sad, is Marianne’s TERRIBLE self-esteem. As I was reading this book where Marianne talks about her relationship with her weight, her appearance, with dating and it just made me SO SAD.
And what made me even sadder, is how Marianne really was looking for THE solution in these self-help books and courses. She writes about looking for happiness, a healthy relationship, succes and good choices in these books where these books will never be anything more than tools or motivators, not the be-all-and-end-all.
I don’t want to sound like a self help apologist or an obnoxious person, but I (luckily) could not relate. As much as I love self-help and believe in it, it has been a long time since I thought so poorly of myself (and time and positive experiences fixed that, not books) or looked for a Holy Grail solution in a self help book.
Self-help can truly help, but it requires a strong sense of self, a course of action and ability to stay grounded firmly into your own life. Plus, I think it should be FUN! And an add-on of health and happiness, not the band-aid or the cure to serious shit!
And so it made me sad to realize people can go into this really looking for an easy fix or a complete transformation, but it was good for me to read about that too.
Final Thoughts on Help Me! by Marianne Power
“In this way, the self help did help – a lot. It, ironically, helped me get past myself. Be honest. Be kind. See the funny side. Exercise. Laugh. Lighten up. Have the difficult conversations and do the difficult jobs. ”
In the end it’s about this: Do something. Do something and go beyond yourself.
And it is a fun read, Marianne is a funny and witty writer. Give it a try! The Dutch version of this book has JUST come out, and you can buy it here*, and the English version you can buy here*! The English version is the original, e-book version and cheaper, so go for that one.
*Affiliate links, so if you buy the book through here, I’ll get a small fee.
‘Help Me!’ Documents A Year Of Self-Help Books : NPR
One Women’s Quest to Find Out If Self-help Really Can Change Your Life
by Marianne Power
I missed Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Skipped The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Not that I couldn’t use the help! But because I was always a little skeptical — if these books work, why do we need so many of them? Couldn’t we all just read one and be sorted? Marianne Power was similarly skeptical, but she also says she found herself, at age 36, convinced her life was in a rut and not quite sure how to climb out of it.
So she embarked on a project: Read one self-help book a month, for one full year. Twelve books total. The result is her own book, Help Me! One Woman’s Quest to Find Out if Self-Help Really Can Change Your Life. And she set herself some rules — for example, she couldn’t just read each book, she had to follow the advice in it. To the letter.
“The first book I followed was a self-help classic called Feel the Fear … and Do It Anyway,” Power says. “That says you should do something scary every day, so I created a list of scary things to do … Standup comedy was the most terrifying thing I could think of doing. I did that. I jumped out of a plane, I did naked modeling for an art class. And there were also kind of smaller things, opening bank statements. So yeah, it was a cross-section. By the end of that month, I’d done more scary things in 30 days than I’d done in the 30 years beforehand.” And it worked — at the end of the month, Powers says, she was “an adrenalized nutcase,” but she felt “very, very alive. “
On her favorite of the books
Marianne Power set out to live one year of her life according to the advice of self-help books. She tells the story in her new book Help Me!
Grainne Flynn/Grove Press
Grainne Flynn/Grove Press
Marianne Power set out to live one year of her life according to the advice of self-help books. She tells the story in her new book Help Me!
Grainne Flynn/Grove Press
I loved The Power of Now, which is an Oprah favorite actually. It’s written by Eckhart Tolle, and Eckhart Tolle says that when we see people walking down the street talking to themselves, we think they’re a bit mad, but actually we’re all doing that to ourselves all the time, we all have this voice in our head that’s narrating what’s happening, and it’s quite often very critical, it’s beating yourself up for something you’ve done in the past, or it’s worrying about what’s going to happen in the future, and as a result, you miss the only thing that is ever real, according to Eckhart Tolle, and that’s now. Right now, this second. And in the book, he asks, in any given moment, to ask yourself, “do I have a problem, right now, right here?” And the answer is almost always no. So I found that book very helpful.
On getting in deeper than she intended
I just thought it was a very clever idea, and that it would make me feel better … I didn’t really understand that actually, I was taking myself apart in some ways.
I just thought it was a very clever idea, and that it would make me feel better, you know, in the way you can feel better if you’ve had a week of early nights, or you lose a few pounds. I didn’t really understand that actually, I was taking myself apart in some ways. It started life as a blog, and I was blogging as I was doing it, and yeah, as I got further and further into it, it was becoming a much deeper undertaking than I understood.
On an important London cabbie
I was having a really hard time at this point; I was having nightmares every night, and it seemed like the more I was thinking about myself, the more I hated myself, and the harder I was trying to be perfect, the more of a failure I felt … And I got into this taxi, and we got chatting, and he just asked me, “How are you?” and I found myself saying, “I feel like I’m going crazy.” And he didn’t balk, he just said, “Why is that, then?” And I started telling him about what I’d been doing.
And, I mean, this is a 60-something London taxi driver. I thought he would have absolutely no clue what I was talking about. But he did, he just seemed to get it, and he said, “So you’ve been digging deep, then?” And I said, “I have.” And he said, “It’s like layers of an onion. You keep peeling, peeling each one off, and you feel like you’re coming apart,” and I started crying then. And he told me about his own life story, and a period where he questioned everything and came close to a breakdown, and so he told me, “You’re touching the void, and you need to step back now and be normal for a while, go to the cinema, walk in the park, stop doing this for a while.” And it was him who actually said, “you should go speak to someone.” And it was after that that I did take a break, went to a therapist, and managed to limp my way through the end of the project … I’m very grateful to him. I never found out his name, but he’s one of my favorite moments from that year. The kindness of strangers can be just as healing as a book.
On whether self-help helps
It probably didn’t help me in the ways that I thought it was going to help me. But it helped in a much deeper and better way than I was expecting, which is I did learn by the end that I didn’t have to improve myself or change myself, I just needed to accept myself. Human beings are messy, and we have good days and we have bad days, and yeah, I’ve come away at the end of all this much more at peace with myself than I was before.
MARIANNE POWER asks… Can you really help yourself to love?
In Saturday’s Mail, Marianne Power revealed how she attempted to find happiness through self-help books. Here, in the second part of our serialisation of her delightful memoir, she decides to see if the gurus can find her a man . . .
We were in the local pub when my friend, Paul, three pints down, said: ‘All this smelling the roses stuff is fine, but where’s the action?’
I raised a questioning eyebrow.
‘You know . . . where’s the sex?’
Marianne Power, pictured, followed the rules of a different self-help book for each month for a year
I blushed. I’d been a bit preoccupied with the challenge I’d set myself. Aged 36, epically single, horrifically in debt and without a house or a pension, I’d decided to follow the rules of a different self-help book each month for a year, to see if it would help me.
Admittedly, with all the crashing lows, as well as the odd vertiginous high, it was taking longer than a year. It was now the following January and I was on my ninth book.
But I felt I exuded a serenity that all around me would sense. So why was nobody picking up on the fact that they were drinking with a red-headed Buddha?
‘I thought you were going to do a dating book?’ agreed my flatmate, Rachel.
‘I was,’ I replied, ‘but I wanted to be happy and now I’m happy — so job done.’
After everything I’d done in the past 12 months — jumped out of a plane, performed stand-up comedy to strangers, walked over hot coals — all anyone wanted to know was when was I going to find a man.
I stomped off to the bar. ‘What can I get you?’ I looked up at the barman’s big, brown eyes and felt a hot jolt of excitement. Oh!
And just like that, I was back in the dating game — if, indeed, I had ever been in it.
I’d never been in love before because I’d never let my guard down long enough. My last relationship ended six months before my challenge started and I’d only had a handful of relationships prior to that.
Although I had not yet tackled a dating book per se, many of the year’s self-help books had touched on my fear of men — and love — if not exactly dealt with it.
My very first book in January, Susan Jeffers’s Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway, had inspired me to chat up a random bloke on the Tube. Normally, I couldn’t even smile at a guy I liked. I would imagine all the reasons he wouldn’t be interested in me: too fat, too ginger, too badly-dressed.
But this was Fear-Fighting Me. So I moved over to a good-looking, but not too good-looking, man by the doors. ‘Is the train always this crowded?’ I blurted.
He looked up at me, confused: ‘Er, yes.’
My very first book in January, Susan Jeffers’s Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway, had inspired me to chat up a random bloke on the Tube
‘I don’t usually travel at this time,’ I continued.
More confusion. I kept going, asking where he lived.
‘Have you lived there long?’
‘Yes, we’ve lived there a couple of years.’ He had a girlfriend. The guy opposite let out a snort.
March’s book, The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, told me meeting a husband was a matter of dreaming, visualising, believing I was going to meet him, then creating a vision board with pictures depicting our life together.
It should have been fun. In fact, it felt scary even thinking about what kind of man I would like, because he wouldn’t like me back — why would he? He could do better, I’d be rejected and hurt, and what was the point? Better not to want it at all.
Clearly I had an issue with rejection. So, in April, I took on Jason Comely’s masochistic Rejection Therapy, the idea being to force yourself to be rejected by someone every day. The ultimate challenge presented itself as I was writing in a coffee shop in Soho.
A good-looking man walked in: beardy and intellectual-looking. He’d been at the same coffee shop a couple of months earlier.
She said that she realised that she ‘clearly had an issue with rejection’ (file photo)
Could I muster the strength to say: ‘Hello’? Even though I knew that crashing and burning would be a success — and that we had exchanged smiles previously — I stayed stuck to my seat. Comely says when you see someone you like, you must approach within three seconds. Any longer and fear starts to creep in.
Doesn’t it just. It took me four-and-a-half hours to work up the courage to walk to his table. He looked up. ‘Hello,’ I croaked.
He held out his hand to introduce himself. His name sounded Greek, so I asked him if he was Greek. He said: ‘Yes.’
‘Do you have plans for the evening?’ he asked.
‘No, not really . . . ’
‘Would you like to get a glass of wine?’
‘That would be nice,’ I said.
The Greek certainly hadn’t rejected me but, over the next few weeks, I found myself rejecting him
He led the way to a wine bar. Our glasses clinked. He looked into my eyes and I felt shy.
‘Well, this is an unexpected surprise,’ he said. We both laughed. Nervously. Before I knew it, he was leaning over to kiss me. At the end of our date, he told me his father was ill, so he had to return to Athens, but he’d like to meet again. Wow!
The Greek certainly hadn’t rejected me but, over the next few weeks, I found myself rejecting him. First, he messaged about coming over to see me in July, but I told him I was probably going to be away for most of the summer.
Then he invited me to join him at a friend’s wedding on a Greek island in August. ‘Just get enough for the airfare — everything else will be covered,’ he said.
So I did the only thing that a girl being asked on a date to a Greek island could do. I said: ‘No.’ I couldn’t afford the flight.
I must admit, I was also thinking about a man called Geoff I’d met at a F**k It! seminar in Italy some weeks before. (In June, I’d taken on F**k It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way by John C. Parkin — basically learning to chill out by saying . . . you guessed it . . . )
She said: ‘I’d never been in love before because I’d never let my guard down long enough’ (file photo)
Not that Geoff was thinking about me. Every time I went on Facebook, he was posting photos with random girls.
So perhaps it doesn’t come as a surprise that I was still single in February of the following year — when Paul and Rachel started badgering me about living by the rules of a dating book.
After scouring Amazon, I ordered Get The Guy, written by English dating expert Matthew Hussey. Conveniently, one of the best places to meet men, says Hussey, is coffee shops, where I spend half of my life (and money). ‘You could ask him to move away so that you could grab something off the shelf,’ suggests Hussey, ‘or ask him where he stands on the flat white versus cappuccino debate . . . ’
That got me thinking about The Greek. We’d been speaking every week and it felt wrong to go back into the dating world without telling him. By chance, I called him from the coffee shop in which we had met.
‘I wish I was there with you,’ he said. When I told him about the dating book, there was silence. Then he had to go.
I was so scared, I practically threw myself into a bush
Hussey says to meet more men, you need to, well, meet more men. He advises we start conversations everywhere: in parks, bookshops, at the gym. Ask people’s names. Compliment them. Smile.
Ask men about their books and gadgets — all men like to talk about their gadgets, he says.
Months of Rejection Therapy and fear-fighting had made me far less embarrassed. My problem was with men I fancied. Like the tall, black-haired cross between Heathcliff and Ryan Gosling walking on Hampstead Heath with a Labrador one morning.
Just look at him and smile, say hello! He got closer. Come on, do it. He got closer still. Smile, Marianne. Or look at him . . .
Instead, I diverted to a side path to avoid him. I was so scared, I practically threw myself into a bush. What progress had I made after a whole year? I was nearly 40, for God’s sake!
So I forced myself into the world of Tinder. By the end of my second day on the dating app, I had four dates lined up
So I forced myself into the world of Tinder. By the end of my second day on the dating app, I had four dates lined up. First was the civil servant from Surrey. I’d spent three hours getting ready and was half a bottle of wine down (calms the nerves) when we met. But I knew the second I saw him that I did not want to put my lips anywhere near him. We had zero chemistry.
Wednesday night was coffee with a photographer just back from Iraq. He sounded interesting. He thought so, too. I spent two hours being run over by his voice. Thursday night was a guy who described himself as a ‘6 ft Scouser with a taste for the absurd’. Within 20 minutes of quite boring conversation, he said: ‘So are we going back to yours, then?’ Needless to say, I went home alone.
As for the fourth date with the charity worker on what happened to be Valentine’s Day? Well, he cancelled, then ‘unmatched’ me.
I began to question the whole thing. Do you really need to be with someone else to live a good, full life? I phoned Mum and, after a discussion of my disastrous dates, she announced: ‘I never thought you’d get married and have children.’
Marianne revealed how she talked to her mother during her dating struggles, and she said: ‘I never thought you’d get married and have children’ (file photo)
My first feeling was relief. The thought of marriage and kids did make me feel trapped. But then I felt a stab of hurt that even my mum didn’t think anyone would want to marry me.
It wasn’t until I attended an intense therapy week in March called the Hoffman Process that I recognised the root of the problem. First, I had to endure falling apart in front of 25 people in a country house in Sussex. ‘I’ve never been in love and nobody has ever been in love with me,’ I told them. ‘I’ve never had a proper relationship. Never got close . . . I don’t know what’s wrong with me . . .’ My voice and legs were shaking. ‘I–I–I don’t think anyone decent could ever love me.’
And there it was: the truth. I did not feel that anybody in their right mind would want me.
For eight days, we sat in circles and talked about our feelings. We bashed pillows with baseball bats while screaming to get rid of our anger. We cradled velvet cushions that were meant to represent our inner child. It was a weird week.
But I had a breakthrough. Turns out that it’s impossible to really love other people — or allow them to love you — if you’re busy hating yourself.
Not long after, I messaged The Greek. It was 11pm, so 1am in Athens. ‘Are you up?’
‘I never thought you’d get married and have children.’
‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘Wanna chat?’ He Skyped me. Usually, I switched off the video when we talked, as I worried I looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy, but this time, I let my face pop up. ‘Oh, I can see you! Let me put my video on.’
And his face appeared, too. My heart flipped and I found it hard to look him in the eye. We chatted for a while, before I said, ‘I was just wondering . . . er, what do you think of me?’
He smiled. ‘When I met you, I could not believe it . . . the day before, I was talking to my friend about my ideal woman and then you came up to me and you were everything on my list,’ he said.
‘And that was just your appearance. Then we started talking and it got even better. I could not believe my luck.’
I ruined the moment by asking how many times he’d used that line. ‘Never. When you meet my friend, you can ask her,’ he said. ‘And what did you think of me?’
Silence. ‘That you were nice and clever and easy to talk to.’
‘I mean, I don’t know. I like you and I think about you,’ I added.
Silence. This was it. Vulnerability. Being so scared, I felt like I was going to vomit out of my heart. ‘I’m getting embarrassed,’ I said.
‘Don’t be embarrassed.’ He laughed. ‘I think about you, too. How did your dating go? Did you meet anyone?’
‘Not really. What about you — are you seeing anybody?
I was surprised by how happy I was at the news that the man I’d had one date with ten months earlier was not seeing anyone.
There was another silence, and it felt as if the silence between two people can be more intimate than anything we say with words. My heart hurt. I felt I could not catch my breath. It was too much.
So I used words again. ‘Where do you stand on the flat white versus cappuccino debate?’
‘Flat white,’ he replied.
Adapted from Help Me! One Woman’s Quest To Find Out If Self-Help Really Can Change Her Life by Marianne Power, published by Picador on September 6 at £14.99. © Marianne Power 2018. To order a copy for £11.99 (offer valid to August 25), visit www.mailshop.co.uk/books or call 0844 571 0640. P&P is free on orders over £15.
This woman followed a different self-help book every month for a year. Here’s what happened.
Marianne Power’s book “Help Me!” starts with a bad hangover that leads to a life-changing odyssey in self help.
One morning in the winter of 2014, the Irish journalist realized she’d made a few too many unfortunate decisions in life. At 36, she was in debt, perpetually single, and always worried. The hangover wasn’t helping, either. Feeling bad about herself, she pulled a self help book from under her bed and flipped through the pages.
“It was just one particularly brutal hungover Sunday that I was reading another self-help book and just had this idea that, enough, stop reading these books and carrying on the way you’ve always done. Spend a year actually putting them to the test,” Power told NBC News BETTER.
Power created a strategy: Every month for a year, she’d read a new self-help book and follow its advice. Afterwards, she’d write her own book about what she learned.
“I thought it was really neat and clever, and that by the end of the year I’d be this perfect person,” she recalls.
In “Help Me!,” Power self-deprecatingly chronicles confrontations with many of life’s biggest challenges — from conquering phobias, to dealing with romantic rejection, to tackling debt, and overcoming anxiety, all with mixed results. Here’s what she discovered.
Marianne Power jumping out of an airplane.UK Parachuting
It’s possible to overcome your worst fear
Power, who lives in London, began her journey in January with a self-help book called “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.” The book’s author Susan J. Jeffers encourages readers to do something that scares them every day.
Determined to overcome all her worst fears, Power made a list of everything that scared her and resolved to confront one a day. Among a series of nail-biting adventures, she skydived out of an airplane in the dead of winter, and performed a live stand up comedy routine in a London nightclub, which she says terrified her.
“A bit of me didn’t actually believe I was going to do that, but I did,” Power says. “And not only did I do it, it went well and people laughed, and I will just never forget the feeling of pride afterwards.”
She was in denial about money
In February, Power read “Money, a Love Story,” by Kate Northrup. The book forced her to confront her increasingly unmanageable debt. She says it was a painful but eye opening experience: her money woes were a lot bigger than she realized.
“I thought that my problem with money was I just didn’t have enough of it,” Power says. “And I really didn’t realize what an emotional topic it is, and how with money I would totally be someone who would win the lottery and end up broke again in four years.”
We can learn from self help, but tread carefully
Throughout “Help Me!” Power is frequently blinded by the exhilarating promise of self help: that it’s possible to be better, as long as you try.
Now, she realizes there’s “real wisdom” in self help books, but says it’s important to keep in mind that self-help is a multiple billion dollar industry.
“And that industry is based on the fact that you don’t buy just one book or go on one self help course,” she says. “You buy the next book, and you book the longer course, and so it’s something that we have to be careful of because nothing is ever going to be a magic answer.”
The journalist still loves self help books, but no longer considers them a cure-all.
“And I don’t read the books that tell me the 10 things I should be doing before breakfast to be a successful person, but I still do like reading the books that help me understand a bit about human life and our challenges and our struggles,” she says.
She’s only human
Power’s year of self-improvement didn’t make her a happier, perkier person, she says, but it did make her wiser.
“There’s definitely stuff that needed addressing, but I didn’t need to change every bit of myself,” Power reflects. “What I needed to do was get to know myself and accept myself, and that as humans we are messy and we have good days and we have bad days, and we have strengths and we have weaknesses, and that’s fine.”
Relationships matter most
Power, now 41, learned that no amount of self help can make up for the love of family and friends, who she acknowledges she had a tendency to push away during her journey to become a more perfect someone. Now, she says she’s a lot more focused on the people she loves.
What I needed to do was get to know myself and accept myself, and that as humans we are messy and we have good days and we have bad days, and we have strengths and we have weaknesses, and that’s fine.
“The kindness that came from my friends and family and also strangers throughout the year was probably more important than the books,” says Power. “We need each other. I need people, it turns out. We all do.”
MORE SELF CARE TIPS
Want more tips like these? NBC News BETTER is obsessed with finding easier, healthier and smarter ways to live. Sign up for our newsletter and follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
90,000 Marianne Power – author’s books, biography, photos, personal life
The year of publishing:
The year of publishing:
The year of publishing:
The year of publishing:
The year of publishing:
90,000 11 simple rules that underlie most self-help books
A small selection of tips that have no expiration date.
The first book about self-help was published in 1859 by Samuel Smiles, who gave his brainchild the uncomplicated name “Self-Help”.
His work became very popular and quickly spread throughout the world. Since then, each generation has had its own bestseller on self-development and self-discovery. How to Live 24 Hours a Day (1908) by Arnold Bennett, Think and Grow Rich (1937) by Napoleon Hill, Don’t Worry About Trivia (1997) by Richard Carlson …
Today, the $ 11 billion self-help industry is definitely no small thing.However, when you buy another bestseller, you find too little new information.
The reason is simple – we, like sponges, absorbed all the self-help advice, passed it down from generation to generation, and that was long before Smiles’s book appeared. So, even the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius in his “Reflections” gave practical advice the size of modern tweets.
Like Benjamin Franklin in Poor Richard’s Almanac. Moreover, even self-help parodies are no longer new.Shakespeare made them through the hero Polonius, who said: “be true to yourself,” implying that whoever seeks self-help cannot automatically get it on his own. The list goes on and on.
In the 21st century, books about self-awareness and self-improvement are at the peak of their popularity. Year after year, we are accompanied by a wave of bestsellers – “The Subtle Art of Do not Care” by Mark Manson, “NONE” by Jen Sinsero and many other works that soar on the verge of parody and give readers the same advice as people a hundred, or even two hundred years ago but in a more mundane language.It would seem, what’s next? Here’s what.
More recently, a trend has emerged that can be called meta-self-help: books began to appear on the shelves, the authors of which talk about their lives after reading special books. Among the vivid examples: “Help me!” By Marianne Power and Getting Things Done by Jolenta Greenberg.
So if the tips go from one book to another, why not combine them into one article? Below you will find 11 tips that have been featured in the top 10 self-help and self-awareness bestselling books.
1. Take one small step
Your daily habits are not just important – the whole “game” is built on them. Aristotle knew this when he wrote: “We are what we do day in and day out.”
And despite your natural desire to make life-changing lightning fast, the best way to get great results is to make tiny but continuous changes in your daily habits.
In Japan, this is known as kaizen, a concept introduced to readers in Stephen Covey’s 1989 bestseller The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
In the 21st century, habit regulation has received an additional boost from pioneering research on human behavior. They are outlined in the 2014 bestseller The Power of Habit.
Four years later, James Clear’s bestseller Atomic Habits appeared, which says that improving any metric by just 1% at a time leads to exponential growth in the long run.
In the short term, repetition matters, which takes behavior out of the limited sphere of willpower and makes it automatic.
Personally, we liked the conclusion of Stephen Gyse’s book Mini-Habits – Maxi-Results: make your daily practice “so small and simple that it’s hard for you to get over it.” For example, do the exercises for 5 minutes every day, and soon you will want to do more than .
2. Plan and visualize
It’s time to turn to sports clichés. “If you can believe it, the mind can do it.” : This motivational quote is often attributed to Ronnie Lott of the NFL.But it also reflects what nearly every self-help book has tried to tell us since The Power of Positive Thinking (1952) by Norman Peel. When achieving any goal, you must carefully visualize the desired result, and then move in reverse in accordance with clearly planned steps.
Planning is a key part of this process. Once removed, you get the semi-spiritual, incoherent chatter from The Secret (2006), which is nothing more than the rewritten Secret of Enrichment (1910), in turn based on the 19th century “mind is more important than body” postulate.
But science tells us that there is no “law of attraction” (although there is a psychological explanation for why we may think we are seeing examples of it).
A plan is how you can achieve your goal, and the process can take years. But what can you do – you are playing a long game. The emotional connection with your visualization is how you gain “mental toughness” to overcome obstacles that make you want to give up everything in the way of something truly worthwhile.
3. Fighting, like fear, is good
Stoic philosophy dates back to the 3rd century BC and is still very popular today, appearing not only in The Stoic Challenge (2019) by William B. Irwin, but in virtually all modern self-help literature.
Stoicism is not about being insensitive, but about changing your mental box so as to wait and even welcome the worst, and not be afraid of it. “Tell yourself early in the morning: today I will meet with ungrateful, cruel, treacherous, envious, unmerciful people” , – wrote Marcus Aurelius. Among other things, this is the perfect parting word before using social media.
If you go through history, you can find many similar attempts to remount our expectations. For example, the principle of Buddhism, borrowed by psychologist Jordan Peterson, who says that life is suffering. Once you accept this, the next level is not just waiting for the bad, but striving for what scares you the most.
“You must do what you think you cannot do” – said Eleanor Roosevelt. This leads us to books that can be called “self-scare” works – for example, Fear … But Act (1987) by Susan Jeffers, which was praised by the author of “Help Me!” Of course, you don’t have to quit your job, dive into an ice hole, or forcefully perform in public. At the very least, you just need to get off the couch – this is the foundation of any stoic self-help plan.
4. Don’t jump to conclusions
This common self-help rule is difficult to explain without the cliché. How often have you been told to take a deep breath and count to 10 before reacting to an oversight? Or keep an open mind? Put yourself in the shoes of your opponent?
Question your own reasons? “Be kinder,” says a quote from a Scottish author that is mistakenly attributed to Plato, “because everyone you meet is fighting a fight you know nothing about.” .
Call it what you want: empathy, compassion, playing devil’s advocate, testing your own strength. We all have the same goal – to avoid jumping to conclusions and judging fellows. Evolution has forced us to see patterns and make quick decisions. This is useful when saber-toothed tigers attack our cave, which cannot be said about people in a close-knit multicultural society.
5. Remember that life is not endless
Let’s remember a scene from the Dead Poets Society.“We are food for worms, young men,” says Robin Williams. This line has become too touching and penetrating to forget about it.
And we shouldn’t, because the foresight of our own demise is not only what distinguishes people from animals. It is one of the most useful tools in the self-help arsenal. Sufi poets gave us the phrase “This too will pass.” They say Julius Caesar made a servant whisper it in his ear as he entered the gates of Rome. Socrates – the phrase “Remember that you are mortal.”
Why does it work so well? Because when we remember that we will die sooner or later, the meaningless quarrels of everyday life tend to disappear, revealing a sudden clarity of purpose. “When a person knows that he is going to be hanged,” wrote Samuel Johnson in the 18th century, “it miraculously allows you to concentrate your thoughts.”
So how can we take advantage of today? By making a to-do list and doing the most important things, the sooner the better.In Once Upon a Time, Never (2019), the author tells the story of his father, who dreamed of visiting all of the US national parks all his life, and then died of a stroke in a hotel toilet when he was about to do it just a week after retirement. If this is your destiny, what would you do differently?
If the thought of death seems scary to you, there is a safer version that is just as effective for some people. Just think about yourself when you are in your 80s. Imagine yourself – a man with wrinkles, who can barely take a step on his own and eats exceptionally bland food.Will this person be the one who is glad that in due time he took the jump that you want to take right now, or will he regret what he did not do?
This thought experiment even has a name – “Perspective Retrospective”. Jeff Bezos calls it “regret minimization.” He used this experiment in 1996 to take the biggest risk of his life.
He decided that 80-year-old Jeff would be less sorry for going to Seattle and starting Amazon (regardless of the outcome) than if he stayed at a New York City consulting firm. You can love Bezos, or you can hate him – but it is pointless to deny the effectiveness of this method.
6. Be playful
In Nick Riggle’s book How to Be Awesome (2017), one of the most extraordinary beginnings of any self-improvement work is a description of Celtics fan Jeremy Fry lighting up on a stadium camera to Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer.”
90,004 90,103 This viral video has nearly 19 million views 90,104.Why? Because Fry behaved very cool, not hesitating to express his emotions in front of a crowd of thousands.
It’s not even that Fry danced like no one saw him. The fact is that he danced with everyone, fully aware that those around him were looking at him – and he liked it.
This is where The Fine Art of Don’t Care, which reminds us of one simple truth, comes in handy: Life is too short to worry about what other people will think of us as we live our best days.And, paradoxically, people will only be drawn to you when you behave in this way.
Also, you should actively develop your quirks. This idea can be traced in many creative books on self-development. Take Felicia Day’s Take Your Weirdness, for example. “What made you weird as a kid is the source of your creativity,” writes James Victor in his book Feck Perfuction: Dangerous Ideas on the Business of Life (2019).
“These are the basic elements of who you are.Imperfect. Not trying to prove anything. Only you”. And as the Buddhists will tell you, just being yourself is the best way to leave your restless ego at the door.
No matter how difficult your task is, you can always turn it into a game. You may not have thought this rule applies to recovering from a serious illness, but game designer Jane McGonigal wrote Super Better (2015) to prove it.
Suffering from a concussion (a serious injury that almost drove her to suicide), she created a digital game that rewarded her for every tiny step in her post-traumatic development.Since then, this game has helped half a million people, or even more.
7. Be useful to others
What is the oldest self-help advice? In its broadest sense, most likely, the “golden rule”, which reads: “Treat people the way you want them to treat you” . This is a basic principle that seems to have originated in every culture in the world.
This rule dates back to at least the 6th century. BC. in China and Greece and around 2000BC. in Egypt. Naturally, there are a great many formulations – from “love your neighbor” to “just don’t be a jerk.” By the way, this is the name of the new book by Kara Kinney Cartwright “Just Don’t Be An Assh * le”.
But the Golden Rule can be confusing if your neighbors don’t want to be treated the way you do. Excessive help can easily turn you into an annoying person. CS Lewis noted this in his 1942 Balamut Letters, where he wrote: “She is one of those people who live for others.You can figure out these “others” by their haggard expression. “.
So it is better to think and act within the framework of usefulness. “The purpose of life is not to be happy, but to be useful,” , wrote Ralph Waldo Emerson. And this phrase is as true today as it was in the 19th century. Being useful to others gives us not only the feelings of warmth and satisfaction that are deeply rooted in the evolution of our “tribe.”
This allows us to use and even directs special talents and quirks.Find what makes you you, and then use that to help humanity as much as possible.
Isn’t it too trite to simply say that love for each other is the answer to the question “What is the meaning of life”? This is indeed the case. So is the search for new stories that remind us of this important truth (what self-help writers try to convey to us, not to mention novelists, preachers, and screenwriters). “We must love each other or die” – wrote the poet Wystan Hugh Auden.Later he changed this phrase to “We must love each other and die” , apparently taking into account advice # 5.
8. Perfectionism = procrastination
If you read How to Be an Imperfectionist by Stephen Giz, you will immediately realize that perfectionism and procrastination are one and the same problem.
Perfect results are impossible in this world. Therefore, if you are waiting for them, then, of course, you will postpone things for later. Perfectionism is not a joke.It prevents you from accepting your shortcomings and the fact that the process of changing your habits must be slow and easy. Therefore, if something does not work out, in the end you just throw the path to change.
Again, the Japanese principle “wabi-sabi” – acceptance and love for imperfection in everything is at work here. How do you make it happen? Begin whether you are ready or not. Sometimes it’s best to learn by doing by taking extreme measures. In general, pretend until you make it true!
9.Sleep, exercise, eat, rest. Repeat!
Being human means adhering to certain restrictions and keeping the so-called “bag of meat and bones” in good shape. The Roman poet Juvenal was best able to express the idea: “Mens sana in corpore sano” – “A healthy mind in a healthy body” .
We need to eat (not too much, not too often and correctly). We need to sleep (6 to 10 hours, depending on age and DNA) and pay attention to our chronotype, which we cannot change, no matter how many self-help books we read.For example, Good Morning Every Day is a bestseller that promises to turn you into a morning person.
And yes, you need to practice every day – no matter how hard you resist it. This is the same silver bullet that increases our resistance, reduces pain, inflammation, depression and stress hormone levels. But fighting cortisol isn’t just about running, walking, and aerobics. Many self-help books (not just Buddhist ones) recommend the practice of meditation with reference to science.
And in the popular 1937 book “The Importance of Life” by Chinese immigrant Lin Yutang, it is recommended to just relax, do nothing and go with the flow. Only an entire chapter is devoted to the best position in bed. “If you can spend a completely useless day in a completely useless way,” writes Yuitan, “you have learned to live.”
This does not mean that you should not strive for more, find your purpose, visualize, etc. But if you do not allow yourself simple pleasures, you can never fully rest, renew and recover to give yourself to the world. Pleasure is also important for your sense of humor, says Yutang, who suggests the following formula: “Reality + dreams + humor = wisdom.”
10. Write down your thoughts
No matter which self-help guide you follow, you won’t get far without a sheet of paper and a pen. You need to make a plan. Visualize. Make a list. The classic book by David Allen, How to Get Things Done.
The Art of Stress-Free Productivity ”of 2002 offers a fairly effective system, which boils down to the following: you need to write down literally everything that you think you will have to do or want to do now or in the future. Then immediately complete each item (if it takes less than 5 minutes), or postpone it (until a certain date or list it “someday”), or delegate (if you are lucky enough to have people close the task for you).
You can and should write spontaneously, in free form, even if you are not a writer. This is advice from Julia Cameron, author of the 1992 bestselling The Artist’s Way, which introduced the concept of Morning Pages.
In the first hour after waking up, before your brain is fully awake and begins the eternal process of self-criticism, write three pages by hand. Subject: whatever comes to mind. The first two pages are almost always full of nonsense like “I don’t know why I’m doing this, this is boring,” but the third usually contains a unique insight.
There is also a gratitude diary. This concept may make you roll your eyes with a sigh, but it’s hard to deny its scientific nature. Scientists have proven that regularly listing the things we are grateful for every day will reprogram our brains and improve mental health after just a few weeks of regular practice.
11. You cannot gain knowledge and experience only from books
If you are reading an author who claims that you can literally get everything you need from his book or article, this is not self-help. This is a cult. Fortunately, nearly all writers recognize the limitations of books in improving lives.At some point, you need to put off reading and get to work. And yes, you need to acknowledge your limitations.
You will always retreat. Saint Augustine in the 5th century A.D. I knew this when I wrote about the two “I”: the one who perversely enjoys wrong actions, and the one who wants to punish himself. But neither side will ever win an unconditional victory.
Even the most independent of us need help to get as far as possible along this path.This is the final stage in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, in which we move from the rebellious adolescent stage of independence to the adult understanding of interdependence.
Many self-help writers suggest that you appoint an accountability buddy to act as honestly as possible and do the same for your buddy.
If you are fortunate enough to have a person who will tell you about your every little thing, hold on to him all your life.Friends, coworkers, and family who love you will naturally be wary of telling you anything you don’t see, out of fear of your reaction.
So the best solution, if you want to radically change your life, is to see a therapist. You can read everything about CBT in books like Wellness (1980) by David Burns. But you won’t be able to put this into practice until you speak with a specialist who will review your particular case.
Self-help bestsellers have recommended seeing a therapist since 1978 Morgan Scott Peck’s Unbeaten Road. But then a stereotype emerges: if you go to a therapist, then you admit your defeat?
Confirm that you are mentally disabled in some way? Wrong. Even therapists need therapists. Ultimately, this is also part of the meaning of life: not only to be useful to others, but also to be strong enough to allow others to be useful to us.
90,000 Marianne Power – What nonsense. How 12 books on psychology first ruined my life and then put it back together read online for free
What nonsense. How 12 books on psychology first ruined my life and then put it back together
HELP ME! One woman’s quest to find out if self-help really can change her life
Copyright © Marianne Power 2018
© Myshkina Ya.O., translation into Russian, 2020
© Design. LLC “Publishing house” Eksmo “, 2020
Dedicated to Gee – my dear
Mom: Speaking of this book …
Mom: Please don’t say you use words like “spiritual journey” in there.
Me: No, I don’t.
Mom: Thank God.
Me: I prefer the term “spiritual path”.
Mom: Oh Marianne …
A dirty office chair with a rough gray seat.I shake off any guesswork as to where the dark stain came from, take off my warm robe and sit down. Naked.
The skin is covered with goosebumps from the draft from the corridor. The heart is pounding.
I’m naked. In front of a crowd of strangers. Naked. In the circle of light. Naked.
Thoughts jump. What if someone you know walks in? Co-worker? School teacher?
“Just find a comfortable position and relax,” says the teacher from across the room. – I promise, no one will think about you and your body – everyone is absorbed in their drawing.
Patronizing bastard, it’s easy for you to talk in your jeans and jacket. You are one hundred percent more dressed than me.
I cross my legs and my hands on my knees to cover myself somehow. I stare down at my mozzarella belly and blonde leg hair glistening under the bright lamp. The creak of a pencil on paper is the only thing that distracts me from the voice in my head, which yells: “What the hell are you doing here? Go home and watch TV like all normal people! And why didn’t you shave your legs? Seriously, isn’t that the first thought that comes to mind when going to get naked in public? A little fucking depilatory cream? ”
I notice movement out of the corner of my eye.Someone comes in late. This is a man. High. With dark curly hair. I raise my head slightly. He is wearing a blue striped jumper. Lord, I would give everything now for such a jumper … But here’s what we have in reality: a cool guy entered the door of the classroom of the local art school, and I’m sitting here completely naked.
Some kind of nightmare.
I focus on the lump of dust on the floor as if my life depended on it.
I take a deep breath and immediately think that my breath is filling me up.
Stop it, Marianne. Think of something else … For example, what will you be for dinner when you get home. Maybe fried chicken? Or cheese toast?
– Okay, Marianne, can we try the standing pose? Would you like to turn your back to the audience? And will you raise your hands?
I turn on shaky legs.
I wonder how these Michelangelo beginners will portray my cellulite. Are they even taught this? Kind of like perspective and air layers? I wonder what Mister Jumper thinks about my ass? He’s sick of her, that’s for sure.I bet all his girlfriends are perfect XS glasses with peach butts.
I’m thinking of cheese on toast. I wonder what kind of bread we have left.
My hands burn with the effort to keep them up. Two drops of sweat run down the body. The teacher speaks again.
“Don’t be afraid to get into a more comfortable position,” he says. – Move closer to the model. Look for a good angle.
Chair legs creak on the wooden floor. Mr. Jumper sits just three feet away from me.He’s so close I can feel his aftershave. Smells fresh and sea.
I bet he thinks you’re crazy to get naked in public on Sunday night. I bet he thinks what huge and ugly hairy thighs you have. I bet … stop it, Marianne!
I’m going back to the lump. I wonder why the floors in schools are always so dusty. Probably all clothes will have to be washed at home. Finally, the teacher allows me to get dressed.
At this moment, I feel even more naked.He told me to take a cape with me – probably referring to those silk cape models in bohemian Parisian lofts – but I only had a fleece robe. I put it on, take a deep breath, and walk over to Mr. Jumper.
“Sorry, I’m a little lacking in practice,” he mutters, looking down at his easel. – I did not have time to grasp your nose more accurately, and the forehead came out a little high …
I look at the chaotic sketch of my nude figure. “To hell with your forehead! – I want to shout to me.”You drew my ass the size of Australia!”
I dress quickly in the closet, standing barefoot on the icy tile. Trying to pull on my tights without falling out of the booth. I sit on the toilet lid.
I feel disgraced, not inspired.
Why did I do this?
In the life of every woman, sooner or later there comes a moment when she realizes that this can no longer continue. For me, that moment came on a Sunday hangover.
I couldn’t remember what I did the night before – except that I obviously drank too much and passed out in my clothes and makeup. The mascara layer made her eyes sticky, and her face was clammy with sweat and foundation. Jeans cut into my stomach. I needed to go to the toilet, but instead I unbuttoned my fly and continued to lie with my eyes closed.
How it all hurts.
Sometimes when you have a hangover, you just deal with it. You wake up with such a cheerful bruise, downright euphoric, and live your day until the last traces of the headache evaporate by 4 pm.But this hangover was not one of those. It was a head-on hangover, a hangover-you-for-nothing-not-be-able-to-ignore. My head was bombed like Hiroshima. My belly was twisting like a drum of a washing machine full of toxic waste. Well, in the mouth, as they say, someone – or something – died.
I rolled over to the bedside table to get a glass of water. She took it with shaking hands. Spilled half on the sheet.
The streak of sunlight that streaked between the curtains hurt my eyes.I covered them and waited … Aha, here it is …
A tidal wave of anxiety and self-loathing that washes over you after a night out. The very certainty that you did something so bad, you are so disgusting that you deserve not only an eternal hangover, but in general the most miserable life possible.
I suffered from what my friends called Existential Horror, but not only because of the hangover. Feelings of fear, anxiety and failure have always haunted me as a background tune.The hangover just turned up the sound.
Not that my life has been terrible. No, it’s not like that at all.
I spent my 30s climbing the ladder in newspaper journalism and is currently a successful freelance writer in London. I got paid – really paid – to test the mascara. A month before this fateful hangover, I was sent to an Austrian spa to hang out with the wives of the rich, who paid huge sums of money for broth and stale bread.I spent several days there for free, lost five kilograms and returned home with an excellent collection of miniature shampoos.
Dita Von Teese gave me a seduction workshop in her room in Claridge for a newspaper article. James Bond himself agreed to an interview with me, and for several weeks I listened to a voicemail from the great Roger Moore, who thanked me for “a damn good job.”
From a professional point of view, my life was perfect.
Outside of work, everything was fine too. I had family and friends who took care of me. I bought very expensive jeans and drank very expensive cocktails. I went on vacation. I gave the impression of a person who enjoys life with might and main.
But that was not the case. I was desperate.
While my friends were renovating the bathrooms and planning the villa holidays, I spent the weekend lying in bed with alcohol and tapes of Desperate Housewives and The Kardashian Family.
All my communication with friends was reduced to a series of endless receptions in honor of engagements, weddings, new settlements and christenings.I smiled and did whatever was required of me. I bought gifts. She signed postcards. Raised glasses to happiness and health. But with each new holiday in honor of a new mark on the map of someone else’s life, I felt more and more distancing myself, finding myself alone on the sidelines. At thirty-six, all my friends were experiencing something new, moving forward, and I seemed to be stuck in the life of a twenty-year-old.
I was always alone, I didn’t have my own apartment and I didn’t have a plan of what to do next.
When friends asked how I was doing, I replied that everything was in order.I knew I was unhappy, but I didn’t know why. I was lucky. I was extremely lucky. All I could do was complain about loneliness, because it is easier for people to understand this very feeling, but I never thought that this was the whole problem. Could a boyfriend really make my life better? Maybe, maybe not. Did I want to get married and have children? I dont know. Any answer here would be purely theoretical. Men never stacked at my feet.
End of introductory passage
LIKE THE BOOK?
This book costs less than a cup of coffee!
CHECK OUT THE PRICE
90,000 Do nothing? Maddie Crum on Myths about Herself, Help and Self-Help
Self-help books are on sale.They regularly top New York Times bestseller list; they often adapt to major films and shows, despite being straightforward, instructive, and devoid of plot. They usually suggest transformation if the reader follows a given set of rules.
Because they are popular, self-help items can bring out some subtle ailments, usually due to a common systemic problem. The popularity of Mari Kondo shows that people are tired of selling so many things; He’s just not that infatuated with you. Shows how tortured heterosexual women are from relationships.Etc.
But what about when the common systemic source of our ailment is the requirement that we should always do more, should always optimize ourselves? Self-help – focused on self-optimization – would be an interesting genre choice for solving such a problem. But that hasn’t stopped some writers from trying.
The very name of the genre – self-help – suggests that in the face of difficulties, personal or social, the reader should seek solutions on their own rather than seek community support.So the self-help ethic is consistent with the self-help myth; whatever obstacle you meet, if you try hard enough you can Help yourself . According to Amazon’s bestseller list of self-help, readers turn to this genre for help with both personal needs (“tidying”) and other social goals that necessarily involve obstacles that are beyond the reader’s control (“enrichment”). While this first kind of self-help books might be unfairly dismissed as frivolous – after all, the life guide genre has been around for a long time – the second kind offers a false promise, like a lottery ticket or diet advertisement.pills.
if Beale Street could talk about a conspiracy
One of the most popular self-help books of the last few years is Sherrill Sandberg’s. Lean on – belongs to the second category, the category of false promises. There is a lot a woman can do to control how she is perceived in the workplace and, as a consequence, whether she will be as successful there as her male colleagues. The premise of the book suggests that if readers put in a little more effort, they could boldly bridge the pay gap without outside help; it also assumes that all women have the time and resources to put in the extra effort.Therefore, Lean to has been the subject of close scrutiny by feminist critics, and more recently Michelle Obama, despite its popularity.
It makes commercial sense that a few years after Lean back on backlash, a different kind of advice book appeared. You might call this subgenre “Lean Beyond Literature”; its authors urge readers to relax, unwind, and downplay the role that work and other responsibilities play in their lives.In 2016, Mark Manson The Fine Art of Not Fucking became a bestseller. This year’s entries include Help Me! , a meta-look at self-help by Marianne Power, with a chapter titled “F ** k It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way”; Nice to suck something , Karen Rinaldi’s credo is against achievement; and How to Do Nothing , Jenny Odell’s difficult to categorize meditation on calmness and attention.
All but one of these authors appear to be contradictory, or worse, sophisticated ways of cramming revolutionary ideas into a neat and methodical framework of instruction.
Each of these titles offers an antidote to the debunked yet highly publicized ideas that building up your own courage is a panacea and that only hard work can guarantee happiness, peace, and success. But, curiously, the advice these names dispel contradicts the purpose of the self-help genre itself, at least in its modern form, centered on personal goals and victories. As a result, all but one of these authors come across as contradictory or, worse, subtly cram revolutionary messages into neat, methodical instructional frameworks.
Rinaldi Nice to Suck Something might be the biggest offender of this controversy. In her foreword, she calls for a “uniform goal setting and quest for life,” which “sacrifices patience, humility and self-awareness,” but she also encourages readers to complete “three missions”: “Suck passionately,” “Suck is unproductive” and “Suck collectively.” Encouraging readers to disconnect from the clamor of achievement-oriented culture, Rinaldi herself uses an achievement-oriented tone.Notice the energetic, attention-grabbing language of just her title. There is something almost comical about a book that insists on its own message, especially when that message is to get away from the battle, to live slowly, consciously, quietly.
On the other hand, in its calmer title How to Do Nothing Jenny Odell offers a more detailed view of human behavior. It would be difficult to categorize her ideas as useful as self-help; she is committed to ideas that are “more vague and erratic.”In the introduction to the book, she admits that she may not have been able to write a self-help book at all. Instead, she presented an argument for resisting attention-saving demands and provided historical examples of resistance from which readers can learn. She also talks about her little acts of resistance, which include hanging out in the garden next door and using the app to identify native plants. She hopes that what she writes will please “anyone who sees life as more than a tool and therefore something that cannot be optimized.”
The form of Odell’s book corresponds to its content. Or, more precisely, while writing the book, she allowed herself to follow the advice she gives: she allows herself to wander mentally, and then continues her analysis consciously, calmly and carefully. Its chapters “are not neat, interconnected pieces into a logical whole”; instead, she moves between anecdotes from her teaching life, her art-making life, and her life as a resident of San Francisco, where glittering technology campuses rule rocks and rivers, a chaotic and inconsistent natural world.Throughout, Odell looks at the philosophy of Diogenes and Thoreau, which is at odds with the catchy slogans of digital detox advocates who support Goop-y advocates of self-care for self-care. When the demand to strive for improvement is both ubiquitous and pernicious, Odell says, weekend seclusion is unlikely to lead to permanent change, not even to the genuine, fickle break with the culture he claims he warns. Thus, she calls for retreat “not in space, but in the mind.”Thus, her book is more philosophy-oriented than material-oriented; her advice is “not so much a lecture as an invitation to a walk.”
one hundred years of solitude number of pages
Odell warns readers against developing a neat and tidy self-awareness.
Pretty How to Do Nothing is dedicated to celebrating the slow, messy, twisty and unintentional. Odell sees this as a protest against the technological world, in which efficiency is paramount and our very attention is monetized.Rinaldi says he agrees. But Nice to Suck Something is an excruciatingly effective guide. In the chapter that defends “play,” by which she means any activity that is not necessarily productive, she writes in a way that doesn’t sound like AI. itself “there is something in the concept of the game that we can use for our purposes.” Chapter titles are also utilitarian; each lists the different “benefits” that readers can get from hobbies outside of work.
One such advantage, according to Rinaldi, is to disrupt the routine of your life by introducing “novelty.”“If we avoid the vulnerability of life in the space of the new and the complex, we will very quickly become old and stagnant,” she writes. In addition, “even anticipation of novelty can increase dopamine levels.” This advice is not only alarmingly prescriptive, it supports the drive for progress perpetuated by the tech industry that Rinaldi opposes.
Meanwhile, Odell fears novelty and novelty. Instead, she encourages readers to immerse themselves in history and a sense of place in order to value service as a form of productivity.In the silence that arises from a sense of rootedness, we can find a renewed interest in our communities and a “sensitivity and responsibility to the historical and environmental.” In other words, we can give context to our individual experience and understanding, the type of context that has fallen apart on the Internet.
And while Rinaldi’s advice seems to be about being easier with yourself (“one […] benefit of giving up perfection is that you don’t have to think too much,” she suggests), Odell cautions readers against cultivation of neat and self-esteem of neatness in general.It shows just how platitudes about personality – just be yourself! are reductive at best. At worst, they smooth out our complexities by transforming people into types and target demographics.
“What it really means is ‘be more yourself,’ where ‘self’ is a consistent and recognizable pattern of habits, desires and urges that can be more easily advertised and appropriated as units of capital,” she writes. “Ultimately, I advocate a view of myself and identity that is the opposite of a personal brand: an unstable, shape-shifting thing defined by interactions with others and with different places.”
best non-fiction books for reading
In other words, consider yourself a hazy, amorphous, product of the environment and contribute to it. Do not lean in or out, but look around.